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Adolescence Officially Extended To Cover Entire Adult Life

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WASHINGTON DC – To the great relief of millions of American basement dwelling twenty-, thirty-, forty-, and fifty-something-year-old gamers, aspiring musicians, and semi-professional Internet trolls, the American Psychological Association has formally declared adolescence to be a life-long “phase of life” once it begins at around the age of 13.

According to a just released APA report entitled “We’re All Perpetual Children Now: Please Take Care Of Us, Mommy Government”, there’s no longer any point in even pretending that our culture is going to produce actual adults in sufficient numbers to sustain anything remotely resembling the civilization once presumed in America. As such, the report advocates “helping those in a state of perpetual adolescence to enjoy their shallow, self-absorbed, maturity-avoiding lives as best as we can, so that the State can continue its loving assumption of Mommy- and Daddy-like responsibilities in every area of American life and culture”.

Public school supporting Christian leaders from across the church and megachurch spectrum hailed the report as brilliant, relieving, and just another sign that we need to “get people saved” quick before the culture finishes blowing up once and for all.

But not all Christian leaders were on board with the APA assessment.

“While for the vast majority of human history, adulthood, with all of its challenges and responsibilities, was eagerly anticipated and actively pursued by young boys and girls who actually wanted to become mature men and women as soon as possible, generations of family and church surrender to the State in pretty much every area of life has made such aspiring, challenge-embracing boys and girls almost freakish rarities in today’s American culture,” noted Christopher Ponder, an Elder in a rural Virginia church consisting of about 12 families.

“When you think of what normal boys and girls aspired to just a couple hundred years back and what they actually achieved in business, politics, and family life at the ages of 15, 16, and 17, it’s hard to view the typical modern teenager as a part of the same lineage. Those mid-teen adults of 150-200 years back seem like some sort of super-intelligent and supernaturally ambitious aliens from another planet or something.”

The APA report dismissed such concerns over the staggering decline in maturity and competency of today’s [perpetual] adolescents as compared to mid-teen adults of the past, preferring instead to focus on incredible gains made in the all important area of self-esteem.

“It doesn’t really matter whether or not these teens, twenty-, thirty-, forty-, and fifty-somethings know much or do much with their lives,” the report concluded. “What matters is that they be made to feel increasingly confident, comfortable and compliant in the arms of Mommy and Daddy Government.”


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