DALLAS, TX – Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique needs of big and tall heretics.
“Big and tall heretics have very specific needs that just haven’t been sufficiently met in the marketplace,” Jakes told those attending a lavish launch event staged at The Potters House megachurch facility in Dallas. “Larger men and women preaching a gospel of lush, gaudy personal indulgence have to look the part. They have to look better than good; they have to look absolutely drenched in material prosperity.”
“That’s where TD’s Big and Tall Heretic Emporium comes in.”
News of Jakes’ plans inspired waves of intense praise from across the prosperity preaching subculture.
“I couldn’t be more thrilled!” gushed 5’11”, 325 lb. Bernard Jacobs, a wannabe rich pastor of a wannabe megachurch in central Texas. “Bishop Jakes has been such an example to me as I’ve begun to preach a gospel centered on chasing after a life saturated in materialism. He clearly understands the importance of looking prosperous while preaching prosperity. You can’t really expect to sell a wealth-centered gospel to people if they don’t see you as being personally immersed, saturated, and defined by material prosperity.”
“After all, if the prosperity gospel is all about living large in every way, then the biggest, fattest, most gluttonous prosperity pitching preachers ought to be the most fabulously dressed men and women in the world.”
“Thank God for TD’s Big and Tall Heretic Emporium!”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.