Sauron To Seek GOP Nomination For Overlord Of Middle Earth

Sauron To Seek GOP Nomination For Overlord Of Middle Earth

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MOUNT DOOM/WASHINGTON DC – In an effort to finally realize the dark, demonic dreams of total domination and enslavement of Middle Earth that have permeated his consciousness since before the dawn of time, Sauron, the feared and fabled Lord of Mordor, has decided to seek the Republican Party nomination for Overlord of Middle Earth.

“You can’t fight the system,” mused the Dark Necromancer from a campaign launch press event at the foot of a smoldering Mt. Doom. “I’ve tried and tried for ages – literally entire ages – to secure complete and total power over the many annoyingly happy and disgustingly free people of Middle Earth. The time has come for me to admit that unless I have the blessings of Party elites, this whole global domination thing isn’t going anywhere.”

“Even he who bears the One Ring must kiss the ring of the GOP Establishment if he wants to really and truly rule over all of creation with an iron, Orwellian Statist grip, which I most certainly do.”

“So it is with profound pride, an unparalleled commitment to cast aside all objective standards of truth, and a burning desire to make Middle Earth great again that I am formally seeking the Republican Nomination for Overlord of Middle Earth,” Sauron bellowed defiantly to the wild cackles and cheers of tens of thousands of assembled orcs, goblins, and other likely GOP delegates. “Together we will finally and fully realize the dark dream of State-centered peace, strength, and safety through the obliteration of all individual freedom, liberty and privacy in the land!”

“Together we will make Middle Earth great again!”


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