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Abortion Redefined “Nicely” To Keep Murderers From Feeling Bad In New Russell Moore Edited Dictionary

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NASHVILLE, TN – American evangelicals who don’t want to agitate anyone or become unpopular by daring to call abortion murder will soon have a go-to dictionary in hand thanks to the tireless  efforts of Dr. Russell Moore, President of the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention.

Dr. Moore, who’s become famous of late for his steadfast refusal to label the purposeful, willful, systematic dismemberment of living babies as murder, has been working around the clock for months to complete the new Nice Guy Fluffy American Evangelical Dictionary, set for publication and release this summer through Zondervan.

“For far too long American evangelicals have been without a formal, official looking dictionary behind which they can seek comfort and cover when avoiding the dirty details of sin and the Gospel,” notes Moore in a leaked promo flier for the Nice Guy Fluffy American Evangelical Dictionary. “We as American evangelicals know full well that in order for us to actually reach people and suck in vast sums of money through tithes and donations, thereby steadily building our church business empires, we have to water things down a whole lot and be sure to avoid the most harsh, confrontational, and corrective truths made plain in the Word of God.”

“So obviously that means we can’t call certain sins ‘sins’ and we can’t refer to the purposeful killing of innocent children as ‘murder’.”

“After all, if we dare to call abortion murder, who will listen to us?”

“And if nobody will listen to us, how can we invite them to our church-sponsored pizza parties?”

“And if nobody new comes to our pizza parties, who will we invite to our potlucks?”

“And if nobody new comes to our potlucks, who will we invite to our warm, friendly, conviction-avoiding church services?”

“And if nobody comes to our warm, shallow, comforting church services, who will we gradually nudge into church membership?”

“And if nobody new slips into church membership, who will we badger to tithe?”

“And if nobody new tithes while we lose our routinely high percentage of dropouts out the back door because they never really converted anyway, who will pay for our never-ending building funds and vast array of extra-biblical church programs and ministries?”

“And if nobody pays for our never-ending building funds and truckload of extra-biblical ministries, how are we going to pay for the pizza at our pizza parties?”

“See the problem?”

“See how it all comes full circle?”

“If we’re actually straightforward and honest about the Gospel and sin in detail, we will completely compromise the essential early steps in our longstanding, business-modeled approach to church building.”

“And we can’t have that!


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