LYNCHBURG, VA – In an enthusiastically received speech before an overflowing crowd of American evangelicals at Liberty University on Monday, Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump elicited wild cheers and howls of ecstasy as he laid out his plan to “do whatever vile, disgusting, unethical and evil thing is necessary” to defeat Hillary Clinton in November’s general election.
“You can be absolutely certain of this: I will do whatever it takes to beat Crooked Hillary,” bellowed The Donald between eruptions of adoration from the assembled mass of professed followers of Jesus Christ. “Whatever vulgar, unethical, vile, and flagrantly unbiblical thing it takes.”
“There is no gutter I will not dive into, no sewage in which I will not swim, and no depth beneath which I will not sink in my effort to utterly destroy Crooked Hillary…whom I have of course in the past supported with massive political donations, but who I am now committed to grinding under my heel by whatever means necessary.”
When random evangelicals from the crowd were approached to provide some explanation as to how they came to so rabidly support an unrepentant, biblically illiterate, wife-upgrading, casino and strip club promoting anti-Christ for President, the consensus seemed to be that none of that really mattered and that all that does matter is beating Hillary in November.
“Trump is a winner,” said Martha Givens of Cleveland. “Sure, he may have unrepentantly embraced practically every vice and unbiblical approach to life known to man, but that just makes him more qualified to lead America here and now in the real world, when you think of it. We don’t need a biblically qualified leader to save the day in America. We need a worldly man who is all about doing things the world’s way if we’re going to make America great again here in the real world.”
Others in attendance echoed that sentiment.
“We’re not electing a pastor,” noted Billy Blevins of Dartmouth. “We’re electing a proud, unrepentant, woman using, strip club promoting, perpetually bankruptcy filing, biblically illiterate, explicitly anti-Christian leader.”
“If that’s what it takes to beat Hillary, then so be it!”
“Thank God for Donald Trump!”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.