CHARLESTON, SC – Local businesswoman and mother of two Megan Whitefield is “stunned” and “deeply saddened” that her son’s recitation of the sinner’s prayer fifteen years ago apparently failed to magically transform her beloved little Josh into a Christian as had been promised or at least very strongly implied by church leadership.
Back in the summer of 2001, hot off the heels of a productive week of Vacation Bible School in which then 6-year-old Josh crafted various cross-shaped macaroni art and enthusiastically colored the pages of a Southern Baptist approved coloring book featuring happy, thoroughly sterilized renditions of the Noah’s Ark story, Josh was softened up and felt compelled to follow the lead of his children’s church pastor when they asked, “Does anybody want to go to heaven?”
Josh excitedly jumped at the chance to go to heaven, raised his hand, and dutifully regurgitated the words that the children’s church leader dumped into his compliant, malleable little head.
“I was so sure that was it – that Josh had just become a Christian,” recalled Mrs. Whitefield in a somber, defeated tone. “But apparently, based on pretty much everything that Josh has done from then ’til now, he wasn’t actually magically transformed into a Christian by repeating the words that were spoon-fed to him by ‘professionals’ using approaches that, as I’ve since come to understand, have zero basis in Scripture.”
Since his children’s church conversion, Josh Whitefield has gone on to take up various hobbies, including chain smoking and heavy drinking, and has in recent years divided most of his non-passed-out time between competitive PlayStation gaming and polishing his guitar skills as the lead guitarist for an explicitly satanic goth rock band.
When confronted by Megan Whitefield with the fruit of her former church’s approach to evangelism, leadership at Charleston Third Baptist assured her not to worry and that it’ll all work out in the end.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Whitefield,” Pastor Bob Humphreys said while comforting the distressed mother. “If Josh said that prayer, he’s in. He’s a Christian. He may have seasons – life-spanning seasons – of backsliding and such, but if he said those words and invited Jesus into his precious little heart, then you can assure yourself that despite all biblical evidence to the contrary, your sweet little Josh is going straight to heaven when he dies, no matter what he does between now and then.”
“So don’t worry. It’s all good.”
Despite the best efforts of Third Baptist leadership to console and encourage her, Mrs. Whitefield remains unconvinced of the legitimacy of the All-American Southern Baptist approach to evangelism that she and her children grew up with and is currently seeking more biblically sane church options.
“I guess at the end of the day what I’m looking for is a church that actually gets its gospel and approach to evangelism from the Bible.”
“Is that too much to ask?”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.