TROY, ID – After well over a decade spent in vigorous, life-consuming preparation for any number of hoped-for apocalyptic scenarios, the longtime owners and residents of a 350 acre compound just north of Troy are reported to be “totally bummed” that the apocalypse for which they’ve spent their lives preparing has not yet arrived.
“Yeah, it’s a bummer,” admitted Kagan family patriarch and decorated Marine Scout Sniper Mark Kagan. “For the longest time there was this awesome sense of ramping up to something huge – of preparing and training and focusing and sacrificing now so that we’d be in a good position when the world went to hell around us. Whether it was gonna be an economic meltdown, a terrorist attack, an EMP, a nuke, an Ebola-like plague, a giant earthquake, a huge volcanic eruption , or maybe even a Trump presidency, we knew that we’d be ready.”
“But then the years kept ticking away, our stockpiles of ammo, vacuum sealed food, and InfoWars magazines grew and grew and, at some point, the thrill was gone.”
“It became like, ‘Can we just get on with the apocalypse, already?'”
Cheryl Kagan, Mark’s wife and mother of their two thoroughly trained and eagerly apocalypse anticipating children, Mark Jr. (19) and little Bubba (8), has also grown frustrated with the ongoing wait for the end of civilization as we know it.
“We’ve been pretty much ready for years. Since before little Bubba was even born,” noted Mrs. Kagan in a clearly frustrated tone. “To be honest, we’re at a point psychologically where we really need for the apocalypse to hurry up and get here already. I don’t think we can stand to wait much longer.”
“I’m just glad Trump is doing so well,” added Mrs. Kagan with a deep sigh of relief.
“He’s exactly what we’ve been waiting for.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.