CHAPPAQUA, NY – In a twist sure to send Hillary Clinton’s ongoing email security drama into overdrive, a group of Russian toddlers have successfully hacked into the former First Lady’s private email accounts and are demanding payment in order to prevent the worldwide release of many sensitive, sometimes even “top secret” messages that were lazily left virtually unprotected on the former Secretary of State’s private email server.
According to several well placed sources in Hillaryland, the identities of at least two of the toddlers in question have been confirmed after exhaustive investigation by the NSA and CIA. The two claim to be working as part of a larger group that normally “just plays X-Box live and stuff” but, after stumbling upon Clinton’s personal server and deciding to spend “at least a few seconds seeing if [they] could get in”, they tried to hack it.
Less than a minute later, the group of 4-7 year-olds had secured online loot the likes of which they’d never encountered in any game they’d ever played before.
They knew they’d just scored big, and quickly decided to take full advantage of the situation.
“About an hour after the hack was detected, the demands started coming in,” explained one source on condition of anonymity, as to avoid retribution from either Hillary or the Russian toddler gang now tormenting her. “Something about airlifting bags of cash, candy, and stuffed animals to a remote village on the Kamchatka Peninsula.”
“But after we did that, they only wanted more,” the source elaborated in a disappointed, defeated tone. “It was all just a big game to them.”
“The demands of Russian toddlers can be very, very high.”
“Which in this case makes the price of covering for Hillary very, very steep.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.