TUPELO, MS – In an effort to morally lead the way, “protect people from things they can’t handle”, and stay a leg up on the Baptists, a local Church of Christ has decided to ban the use of “alcohol” in both liquid and spoken form.
Church leadership announced the new word-related policy while also announcing that it had granted itself an exemption from the new rule just long enough to announce it to the congregation.
“Alcohol is a plague,” proclaimed Church Elder John Daniels during a brief statement made after preaching a sermon aimed at correcting misconceptions about Jesus’ first recorded miracle, in which He supernaturally transformed water into high quality wine at a party that had been going on for a while. “It’s a giant, ugly, satanic wrecking-ball that we should not drink, sip, smell, or even speak of anymore.”
“So, from this point forward, we will not even say ‘the a-word’.”
“If we don’t drink too much alcohol, we can’t get drunk. And if we don’t drink any alcohol, we can’t drink too much alcohol. And if we don’t allow ourselves to be near alcohol, we cannot drink any alcohol. And if we don’t even speak the word “alcohol”, we will have yet another barrier of protection placed between us and the evil, inanimate object that is alcohol.”
“It’s just that simple.”
When asked about the dangers of other inanimate objects like guns and cheesecake, both of which are directly connected with various acts of violence and gluttony as a result of their poor, sinful abuse, Daniels seemed to grow confused, angry, and hungry.
“Look, alcohol is evil, okay!” added the clearly frustrated and ironically obese Elder, who happens to be known for his love of guns and cheesecake even more than for his blistering hatred of alcohol. “When people cannot act like mature adults and handle themselves in a disciplined manner, the church has to step in and protect them from the things they’re abusing, rather than encouraging them to grow into mature, disciplined adults who can actually handle potentially dangerous things like alcohol in a responsible, enjoyable manner.”
“We all know that’s never gonna happen, so we shouldn’t even try.”
“No matter what Jesus tried to tell us in that first miracle of His.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.