SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following losses to Hillary Clinton in a handful of significant primaries on Tuesday, presumptive Democrat Party non-nominee Bernie Sanders took a moment to vent and “respectfully confront” his “conservative Christian friends” on “their stark raving hypocrisy when it comes to Socialism”.
“Look, nobody loves public schools like Christians in America, am I right?” asked Sanders rhetorically during an impromptu fifteen minute tirade aimed at a handful of self-described Christian conservative protesters carrying signs sporting pithy Reagan and Thatcher quotes. “And how are your beloved public schools funded, my Christian friends?”
“Through State confiscation of property and redistribution of wealth via property tax, that’s how.”
“And those ideas come straight outta The Communist Manifesto!”
“Public schools alone embody at least two of the ten planks of The Communist Manifesto, for crying out loud, so just shut up already about your ‘conservative principles’,” added Sanders while rolling his eyes and making air-quote signs around “conservative principles”.
“You can’t even really own a home in America anymore thanks to your ‘conservative principles’!”
“Just try not paying your property taxes – your rent to the State, if you will – and you’ll find out very quickly who really owns your home.”
“The State owns your home, my ‘conservative Christian’ friend!”
“You have quite happily allowed the State to take away even your ability to actually own your home so that it can provide you with what, exactly?”
“Commie pinko things like your beloved public schools, that’s what!”
“So please, stop making such public spectacles of yourselves this way. Just shut up, go home, keep feeding your kids to the State and wait for your beloved government to tell you what to do next.”
“And don’t even get me started on your addiction to Social Security and Medicare.”
“Or your begging for ‘government protection’ through the USDA, FDA, FDIC, TSA, NSA, and a billion other agencies that you ‘conservative Christians’ regularly defend as necessary and good.”
“They’re all Socialism in action, and we all know it.”
“So let’s just be honest and admit that 20-30 years from now you people will be defending most of the things I’m campaigning for now as being necessary and good, too. Heck, they’ll probably be major points in the platform of the Republican Party in 2036 and favorite programs of whatever ‘lesser of two evils’ candidate wins the 2040 GOP nomination.”
“That’s how it always works with ‘conservative Christians’ in America, so can we just stop playing around here, please? Can you just get off your high horse and be real for once?”
“You people LOVE Socialism.”
“Only a little less so than I do…for now, anyway.”
“And as long as you keep setting aside your Bibles when it comes to defining law, government, and the role of the State,” added Sanders with a confident, toothy smile, “you’ll always be moving in my direction.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.