WASHINGTON, DC – In two culture-rocking votes earlier this week, the U.S. Senate overwhelmingly passed bills to subject women to the military draft and to reinstitute the ancient governmental privilege of primae noctis. The sweeping wins for both pieces of legislation came just hours after a Senate viewing of the 1995 Mel Gibson classic Braveheart, during which the incredible power of King Edward “Longshanks” inspired frequent outbursts of cheers, applause, and chants of “primae noctis!”
“It was pretty creepy,” reported one low level staffer who was accidentally allowed into the Senate-booked DC theater for a few minutes during the part where government officials come to seize a virgin bride just before her wedding begins. “It was like a light bulb just lit up above the whole Senate. They were like, ‘Hey, why can’t we do that? American’s will obey if we just call it ‘the law’, right?'”
The votes reflected broad bipartisan support for the notion of women as property of the State to be used as needed to feed its perpetual war machine, as well as reinstating the ancient right of governmental leaders to take girls for a night with themselves just before the young women in question are allowed to get married.
“I can’t believe we didn’t think of this earlier,” mused disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, clearly distressed over no longer being a part of the elite political class awarded the benefits associated with the primae noctis legislation. “It just hurts to have come so close, but to now have to watch this sort of awesome American progress unfold from the sidelines.”
Bill Clinton was also embarrassed to have not pursued this course earlier, but is openly lobbying for an amendment to the legislation that would allow past Presidents the same primae noctis rights as the nation’s sitting President, Senators, Congressman, and high ranking staff members.
“It’s just the right thing to do,” noted Clinton while biting his lip in feigned solemnity. “While I and many others wish we could go back in time and right the wrong of having failed to do this sooner, the least we can do is allow me to be grandfathered in.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.