SALEM, AR – A well known and much beloved member of the community and Salem Second Baptist Church’s sweetest, kindest, most adorable long term member is still “completely convinced” that barcodes are the mark of the beast, according to reports from several friends, family members, and anyone ever sitting near her pew on any given Sunday.
Ellen Johnson, 86, first became convinced of the satanic purposes of barcodes sometime in the early ’90s after stumbling upon a box of Hal Lindsey books at a garage sale. Since then she’s religiously avoided the use of any barcoded item or barcode scanning device of any kind, leading her to do most of her shopping in nearby Amish communities and at Hank’s Convenience Store just south of West Plains, Missouri, where nothing’s really been updated since sometime shortly after World War II.
“Oh yeah, Miss Ellen’s been on that kick for a while now, bless her heart,” explained Second Baptist Pastor Bob Griggs. “It used to be that she couldn’t really talk about anything else, but she’s calmed down and mellowed out a bit with age.”
“Now she only warns people maybe five or six times per conversation as opposed to the ten or twenty times she’s rant about the demonic deviousness of barcodes and how we’re all gonna be tricked and get scanned into hell or something like that.”
“But man, lemme tellya, her cookies are amazing! Those chocolate chippers of hers are unbelievable! And her pie crusts are like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.”
“So yeah, it’s easy to cut her some slack.”
As for Mrs. Johnson, she seems quite happy to use her mastery of baked goods as a means by which to engage and warn people of the hell that awaits us all on the other side of barcode use.
“I’m just thankful for the many opportunities I have to reveal the dark truth of Satan’s barcode related plans for global domination over a nice, fresh slice of warm apple pie with my dear friends here at Second Baptist,” Johnson noted in a sweet, disarming tone while smiling broadly and adjusting her granny glasses. “Sometimes even the most deceived among us can have their eyes opened by the sight of a steaming fresh pumpkin pie or by the smell of a fresh batch of perfectly made chocolate chip cookies.”
“That’s my game.
“And I aim to play it until every eye is opened to the satanic threat of barcodes.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.