NEW YORK, NY – In the aftermath of James Dobson explaining away pretty much everything disconcerting about Donald Trump by describing him as “a baby Christian”, Hillsong Church is embracing the term and has begun openly marketing itself as “a daycare for baby Christians of all ages”.
Pastors Brian and Bobbie Houston announced the new marketing plan at a lavish launch event featuring clowns, balloons, a rock band, and a portable petting zoo.
“We just want the world to know that we see and feel the needs of baby Christians everywhere,” explained Mr. Houston shortly after a Gallagher impersonator had finished smashing watermelons and talking about Jesus. “The fact that you may have zero interest in actually understanding, much less pursuing, holiness in detail in any particular area of life doesn’t mean you’re not a Christian.”
“It just means you’re a baby Christian,” Houston added as three clowns on unicycles circled around his podium, each honking their giant, red rubber noses once before driving off to who cares where.
“So please understand that here at Hillsong, like at so many other giant megachurches in America and around the world, we are committed to making you comfortable as a baby Christian for as long as you want to be a baby Christian.”
“Truth be told, we really do prefer you that way.”
“So come on down to Hillsong,” added Mrs. Houston with a smile as fireworks began to explode and fill the sky above her head. “We’ve got fireworks, pizza, clowns, and rock and roll!”
“What more could a baby Christian want?”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.