HOUSTON, TX – In an ongoing effort to restore the Trump University brand and reward evangelical leaders who have diligently shielded him from even the most basic biblical tests regarding his profession of faith, Donald Trump announced today that Lakewood Mega Mega Church Pastor Joel Osteen has been hired to serve as President of the new Trump University Religious Studies Program.
“Joel Osteen, you’re hired!” proclaimed a clearly energized Donald Trump at a press conference scheduled to announce Osteen’s new position at Trump U. “I can’t think of a better, more materialistic and wealth-obsessed man for the job! He’s going to be absolutely amazing!”
The new Trump U Religious Studies campus, to be built in a corner of the 2,500 acre parking lot surrounding Osteen’s Lakewood Mega Mega Church, will feature “nothing but the finest of building materials” used to construct a “truly world class and absolutely amazing” facility dedicated to the pursuit of Trump-style religion.
“Obviously, we’re talking about a lot of money here,” mused Trump as Osteen stood behind him nodding and smiling broadly. “And, as we all know, money really is the measure of success.”
Osteen predictably echoed The Donald’s sentiments.
“Yes brother Donald, material wealth and prosperity right here and now in the most gaudy, rich, over-the-top fashion is the promise of God to those who truly and rightly believe,” Osteen explained. “So it is indeed a great honor and privilege to lead Trump U in this important educational effort, so that more and more Americans can come to know the god that brother Donald and I love and adore so much.”
While full details regarding the new Trump University Religious Studies program courses, degrees, and staff have not yet been released, Osteen did confirm that Paula White would be doing on-site baptisms using a large tub filled with fresh, crisp one hundred dollar bills, “just like the one she used when she personally led brother Donald to Jesus”.
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.