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Fearful, Technophobic Christians Terrorized By Pikachu



EVERYWHERE, USA – Fearful, technophobic Christians from all across America’s fruited plane and from sea to shining sea are being sent into yet another apocalyptic tizzy by the realization that Pikachu are among us.

With the release and immediate, massive success of the mobile app Pokemon GO earlier this month, literally millions of people have taken to roaming the countryside, tracking down cute little digital Pokemon creatures as they go, thus inspiring the rage, fury, and profound emotional anguish of hordes of Christians who are absolutely horrified at the prospect of so many people having so much fun doing something other than participating in a Bible study, praying in their darkened closet, or complaining about the dangers of Pokemon on Facebook.

“Don’t these people know about the satanic roots of Pokemon?” asked devout Jack Van Impe fan and Beth Moore women’s Bible study leader Franny James in a post made at one of over 3,000 recently launched online forums dedicated to exposing the satanic roots of Pokemon.

“How can they possibly be so naive and foolish as to play around with such obviously dark and demonic forces as Pikachu?”

While the massive amounts of Pokemon GO playing time being put in by millions of people across the nation has resulted in many instances of sad, funny, and sometimes even tragic cases of obsession-fueled distraction, the majority of Pokemon GO players seem to be both enjoying the game in a reasonable manner.

“It’s just been a lot of fun getting outside, playing GO, and seeing what other people are doing with it,” noted Heather Greenfield of Indianapolis, one of millions of sane, stable, happy, and intelligent people who seem to be really enjoying Pokemon GO. “As a Christian who takes the Gospel and Great Commission seriously, I have to say that the people flipping out about this in the name of Jesus really are getting even more ridiculous than normal. The way they act as though once the devil touches anything, like video games or movies or art or whatever, well, then he just owns those things forever and we have to leave them to him, that approach seems so goofy and destructive to me.”

“All those people ever seem to advocate is running away from the very things we’re supposed to engage in and take captive to Christ through the Great Commission – like art, technology, and even games. Yet all that these unhinged Pokemon haters seem to ever want anyone to do is preemptively surrender and cower in fear while waiting for the rapture.”

“And it only seems to get worse and worse as time goes on.”

“Now they’re cowering in fear of Pikachu.”

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