HOUSTON, TX – After “months of pleading with God in prayer” to be allowed to jettison every specific command and relevant principle in the Bible so that his shriveling political career might be saved, conservative Christian political icon Ted Cruz, who repeatedly described Donald Trump as fundamentally evil, immoral and untrustworthy in billions of ways on the campaign trail, has now decided to endorse the very same Donald Trump for President.
“Look, we all knew this was coming, right?” asked a top Cruz aide rhetorically on condition of anonymity. “I mean, at the end of the day, the Republican Party is what matters here. All that Bible talk has to be kept in its proper place and context.”
“Donald Trump may be the most biblically illiterate, proud, pro-LGBT, unrepentant adulterer and open promoter of vice to ever run for President, but he’s our biblically illiterate, proud, pro-LGBT, unrepentant, adulterous promoter of vice.”
“Ted understands this.”
“He knows his place, and that place is leading Christians to support whatever anti-Christ the GOP puts up for President.”
“I just feel sorry for the poor saps who actually believed that he was going to do anything else when push came to shove and his own personal political prospects were at stake.”
“We have to be real here. We want to win, don’t we?”
“We can’t let little things like the Word of God on leadership, virtue, vice, pride, repentance, economics, adultery, sexuality, family and the wrath of God get in the way of our making America great again!”
“It’s great to see Ted back out there helping American evangelicals to better understand these things.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.