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Church Growth Experts Mystified By Gimmick-Free Success Of Early Christianity

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DALLAS, TX – Thousands of professional church growth experts are set to gather in Dallas this weekend in an effort to understand how it is that the early Christian church experienced incredible growth even in the face of severe persecution, turning the world upside down in the process despite not using any of the gimmicks, tools, or ministries most associated with modern American evangelicalism.

“They didn’t seem to do any of the things that we do. They just preached a life-defining, everything-touching Gospel that proclaimed Jesus as Lord in practice over every area of life in detail,” explained Josh McMarketable, Director of Church Marketing and Promotion for Slow Burn Megachurch On The Hill Next To The River in Little Rock, Arkansas. “And God knows we don’t do that.”

“That would never sell.”

“That message would send most of our congregation running for the doors, and we can’t have that.”

Others planning to attend the Why Did Early Christianity Work Despite Not Doing Anything Modern Evangelicals Are Known For? conference expressed similar confusion as to how something like first century Christianity thrived and radically impacted world history while seeming to avoid practically every pitch, promotion, and gimmick used to lure unbelieving goats by the millions into church buildings across America every Sunday.

“I mean, they didn’t have anything remotely resembling rocker church, biker church or cowboy church,” noted church promotion guru and best-selling author Bob Smiley. “They didn’t work those kinds of angles at all. They didn’t try to sell themselves to unbelievers. They just proclaimed God’s whole, undiluted Gospel in pursuit of God’s Great Commission while building God’s Church on God’s terms according to God’s Word, trusting God to add to His Church as he sees fit on His schedule.”

“That sort of thing would never fly these days.”


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