NEW YORK, NY – In yet another redundant demonstration of the wrath of God upon America, Paula White, the twice divorced Senior Pastorette at Destiny Christian Center near Orlando and legendary pitch-woman for the health/wealth prosperity gospel that has made the term “televangelist” what it is today, has been chosen by President-elect Donald Trump to handle the prayer duties at his inauguration later this month.
After confirming last summer that she “totally led Donald Trump to Jesus”, thus giving millions of American evangelicals what they imagined to be some sort of cover for supporting a proud, openly unrepentant, vice-peddling pagan for President, Ms. White has seen her stock rocket within the Trump campaign.
“She’s even been divorced twice, just like Donald,” explained one highly placed Trump staffer. “The fit here just couldn’t be better.”
“If she’s qualified to preach, then The Donald is definitely qualified to lead.”
As for her part, Ms. White is said to be prepping a prayer that is completely in line with the religious worldview that has made her the happy, healthy, and incredibly wealthy thrice-married woman that she is today.
Early drafts are said to be heavy on pleas for massive amounts of blessings, particularly of the financial and material variety, while completely avoiding repentance and submission to Christ in any meaningful way that would contradict the pride and inherent greatness of America themes that are central to both Trump’s and White’s shared religion.
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.