BOSTON, MA – Esteemed local evolutionist and award-winning high school science teacher Melvin Strawman has proclaimed that a fossil that he found in his yard is, as a matter of “indisputable scientific fact”, somewhere between 350 years and 3.5 billion years old.
After consulting with what he referred to as “unassailable scientific authorities on the matter”, the 59-year-old father of none and longtime fixture at Boston’s prestigious Anton LaVey Elementary School proclaimed that he is “absolutely certain” of the wide date range in question while noting that laughably wide date ranges for fossils are actually “quite normal” in what he called “the world of science”.
“To think that there are those who would actually deny the fact that this fossil and so many others like it are somewhere around 3.5 billion years old, give or take 3.499999 billion years or so, is a sad commentary on the blind religious nature of so many in society today,” explained Strawman. “But with enough time and instruction, I’m sure we can train such idiocy out of the population.”
“That’s what public schools are for, after all.”
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