WASHINGTON, DC – The committee overseeing President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration has formally requested that a “fireproof, or at the very least, incredibly fire resistant” Bible be used during the process of swearing in the 45th President of the United States.
The official request, filed yesterday with the Department of Religious Veneers and Pretensions, offered numerous detailed anecdotes and explanations as to why such a Bible is necessary for President-elect Trump.
“After having three different Bibles go up in flames upon contact with the President-elect’s hand during trial runs, we can no longer assume that a normal Bible will be good enough for Mr. Trump,” explained one highly placed transition team member. “He deserves and, frankly, needs a very special Bible – one that won’t burst into flames upon contact or accidentally open to any of the literally thousands of passages that fundamentally contradict his worldview.”
“So basically what we’re looking for here is just a fireproof prop. It doesn’t even need to be a real Bible. It doesn’t even need to open and have actual pages, flammable or otherwise.”
“It just needs to look like a Bible and not explode on contact as President-elect Trump is sworn into office.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.