WASHINGTON, DC – Self-identified conservative Republicans across the nation are in a state of heartbroken shock following revelations that their favorite drag queen and homosexual activist, Milo Yiannopoulos, is, in fact, a dangerous and disgusting sexual deviant.
“He just seemed like such a good conservative crossdressing advocate for postmodern sexuality,” opined one distraught Republican leader upon hearing the news that Milo had been removed from his speaking slot at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference following the public release of recordings in which Yiannopoulos seemed to endorse predatory sexual relationships between men and boys. “He’s such a sweet, beautiful, passionate voice for conservative principles in the LGBTQ community and on college campuses all across the nation. I just can’t believe that such a fine, upstanding young man who occasionally likes to dress as a woman in public and enjoys provocatively sharing his raging homosexual lifestyle to help promote good conservative values would actually have an accommodating view of man-on-boy predatory sexual relationships.”
“Who could’ve seen this coming?”
Other self-identified conservative legislators and Republican staffers were similarly shocked and heartbroken.
“How could I have been such a fool? I feel so used,” moaned another Republican leader on condition of anonymity while weeping between swigs of Jack. “I can’t believe I fell so hard for him. Normally I’m not into drag queens, at least not publicly, but when I saw him sing the national anthem dressed up as Marilyn Monroe at LSU before speaking to a cheering crowd of conservative students, it was love at first sight.”
“I just can’t believe that it’s all over now,” the whiskey-soaked legislator continued. “I can’t believe that he couldn’t keep the creepiest aspects of his stark-raving sexual deviancy in the closet like the rest of us. If he’d have just stuck to dressing like Marilyn while hawking conservative values and avoiding the NAMBLA talk, we’d still have that beautiful relationship that was so vibrant and alive just a few days ago…”
“This is the worst Valentine’s week ever!”
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