KENILWORTH, NEW JERSEY – With mounting scientific evidence fueling a growing movement of vaccine skepticism, and with Merck’s MMR vaccine having been linked to autism, the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company has decided to “make lemonade from lemons” and rebrand its MMR product as “an anti-anti-autism vaccine”.
“It’s all about how you word it,” explained Dr. Herb Mengele, Merck’s Director of Vaccine Propaganda & Profit Protection, at a brief press conference held to promote the company’s new shift in branding for its incredibly lucrative MMR line. “What we all have to remember is that vaccines are safe and effective, no matter what anyone, or any group of thousands of people, may have personally experienced in the immediate aftermath of receiving the MMR. So instead of saying straight out, ‘Yeah, the MMR has been linked to autism and you are taking a noteworthy risk of becoming autistic by receiving the MMR’, we’re just encouraging people to think of the MMR as an anti-anti-autism vaccination, which makes it sound like it offers twice the normal protection against autism, whatever that means.”
When asked by a non-mainstream journalist whether labeling the MMR as an “anti-anti-autism vaccine” was basically an admission that the MMR increases autism risk, Dr. Mengele stood silent for a moment in disbelief that anyone would ever dare publicly question the inherent goodness of a vaccine.
“Look, it’s as simple as this: If you get the MMR, you’re much less likely to not get autism,” Mengele responded.
“But isn’t being ‘less likely’ to ‘not get’ something the same as being more likely to get it?” asked the reporter before being escorted away from the press conference by Merck security.
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