Home Church Local Church To Provide Bulletproof Backpacks And Buckets Of Condoms To Its...

Local Church To Provide Bulletproof Backpacks And Buckets Of Condoms To Its Returning Middle School Students


ALSIP, IL – Grateful parents and community leaders are singing the praises of a local church after it launched a new program to provide bulletproof backpacks and buckets of condoms to each and every one of its middle school, junior high, and high school students who are returning to public school next month.

“We just felt like it was the right thing to do,” explained Pastor John Q. Clueless of Alsip’s 6th Baptist Church. “After all, if we can’t be counted on to help the children in our own church, then what good are we?”

The program will allow each child in the congregation to select a bulletproof backpack in their choice of happy, fun colors, along with up to three beach-style play buckets full of assorted condoms. While high school and junior high aged public school students will each qualify for three buckets, middle school kids will be limited to one, according to Pastor Clueless.

“Obviously, we don’t want to promote bad behavior in Middle School,” Clueless clarified. “So one bucket should be more than enough for our precious little middle schoolers.”

Grade school options “will probably be added next year”, Clueless noted.

Parents and community leaders alike have had high praise for the program since it was announced earlier this month.

“With my wife and I both working full time to pay for our nice suburban home, two cars, decent vacations, sweet clothes, and high tech toys, we can hardly cover the cost of the bulletproof accessories and condoms that our children so desperately need these days in public school,” noted 6th Baptist youth leader and adult Sunday school teacher Brian Vacant. “Thank God for Pastor Clueless and his vision for our church so that our little sixth grade boy and seventh grade girl can go back to school with the bullet resistant hardware and prophylactics that they need!”

School officials were also quick to praise the new church program.

“What a wonderful way for the church to support the good work we’re doing in our public schools,” gushed Principal Vladimir Marx of Alsip’s Abraham Lincoln Middle School. “It’s so nice to see a church that’s not only eager to send its children to the State for education, but is also quite happy to foot the bill for all the bulletproof gear and buckets of condoms that their kids will surely need in that environment.”

“God bless Pastor Clueless and his church!” Marx added with a cackle.

Help Fuel Apocalyptic Satire

Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.


You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com