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New Government Model Claims Coronavirus Could Kill “Somewhere Between Nobody and Everyone” Over Next Six Months

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WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to justify any and all state and federal governmental approaches to the Coronavirus pandemic, government “experts” have released a new model for predicting future deaths related to the virus. The model projects that, within the United States over the next six months, somewhere between zero people and all people will be killed by Coronavirus.

“Based on the range of likely outcomes that are observable through this new model, we are confident that somewhere between nobody and everybody will be infected and killed by Coronavirus over the next six months,” explained Dr. Ivanna Clue, Lead Model Developer at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) during a press conference held to promote the new model and its findings.

When asked whether the incredibly wide range of projected outcomes made the new model practically useless, Dr. Clue dismissed that assumption. “Oh no, it’s not useless at all,” she explained as the wall of high level government bureaucrats and politicians standing behind her looked on supportively. “Not when you understand the real purpose of the model.”


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