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Americans Hoping Government Will Free Them In Time To Celebrate Independence Day

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NEW YORK CITY, NY – As hundreds of millions of Americans shelter in place by government decree, many are beginning to wonder whether they’ll be allowed to leave their homes and congregate in time to celebrate their independence from the tyrannical rule of King George III.

“I just hope we’re allowed to leave home by the fourth of July,” mused public school teacher Jane Q. Smith via Twitter from the tiny downtown studio apartment that she hasn’t left in a month. “It would sure be nice to have the tiniest little taste of open air, if only for a moment. What better way to celebrate our hard won freedom as Americans, am I right?”

As April rolls into May, government and corporate media experts are warning that building anxiety and a growing sense of nostalgia for basic rights like the freedom to assemble could combine to cause serious problems for The System.

“We have to be careful about how much we obsess over things like the Constitution or the Bill of Rights or stuff like that,” explained Dr. Josephine Gribbles, Director of the NSA’s Department of Opinion Surveillance and Management. “If the American people spend too much time thinking about things like freedom, liberty, and the difference between being human resource tax cattle and being mature adult image-bearers of God, we might end up with an actual revolution on our hands.”

“And we can’t have that.”


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