IN THE NEWS

Leftists Recast Second Amendment As “Right To Shoot Republicans”

WASHINGTON, DC - In the wake of today's attempted murder of multiple Republican Congressmen and staffers at the hand of a profoundly deranged anti-Trumper,...

Bill Nye Transitions From “Science Guy” To “Science-Hating LGBTQ Zealot”

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to conform with the fact- and science-averse feelings of a pop-culture gone mad to the point that it can't even coherently...

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Thor Angered By Rampant Abuse Of Rainbow Bridge Concept

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A man that many identify as the god of thunder is upset with what he calls "the rampant abuse of the rainbow bridge concept" in...

New Guns N’ Roses Tour To Be Sponsored By McDonalds, Taco...

LOS ANGELES, CA - A new worldwide tour by legendary declining hedonists Guns n' Roses will be sponsored by McDonald's, Taco Bell, Burger King, Doritos,...

SPORTS

Seahawks Color Rush Uniforms A Huge Hit With LGBTQ Commity And Skittles Fans

SEATTLE, WA - The NFL's new "Color Rush" uniforms for the Seattle Seahawks may have become the object of scorn, ridicule, and laughter from most American football fans, but they've not been a total...

Darth Vader Weeps Joyfully As Raiders Clinch Winning Season

OAKLAND, CA - Darth Vader, legendary lord of the Sith, destroyer of the Jedi, and dark tyrannical figure known for supervising the construction of multiple planet-obliterating Death Stars, was witnessed weeping for joy on Sunday as his...

Colin Kaepernick’s Socks Charged With Treason

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Beleaguered San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's controversial socks have been formally charged with treason, according to a statement released...

Phelps Shatters All Known Sewage Swimming Records At Rio Olympics

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - With the 2016 Summer Olympics drawing to a close, one thing has been made abundantly clear: Nobody swims through...

NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From Death Of America

NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of...

Brock Lesnar Self-Identifies As 130 Pound Woman; Effortlessly Dominates Women’s MMA

LAS VEGAS, NV - Since self-identifying as a 130-pound woman and changing his name to "Fantasia", Brock Lesnar has effortlessly dominated women's mixed martial...

TECHNOLOGY

Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back...

LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA - One of China's largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees...

Stormtroopers “Really Unhappy” With Training And Equipment

CORUSCANT - A large majority of Imperial stormtroopers are "really unhappy" with the quality of their training and equipment, according to a new report chronicling what is...

EDUCATION

Local Daycare Offers Kids Head Start On Illiteracy

KNOXVILLE, TN - In an effort to free up parents for more important/fun things than educating their own young children, Kid Kountry Learning Center...

American Christians Hope More George Washington In Public Schools Will Compensate...

ST. LOUIS, MO - Conservative Christians across America's heartland are counting on more Founding Fathers coverage to somehow, some way compensate for public schools' open dismissal...

FASHION

Seahawks Color Rush Uniforms A Huge Hit With LGBTQ Commity And Skittles Fans

SEATTLE, WA - The NFL's new "Color Rush" uniforms for the Seattle Seahawks may have become the object of scorn, ridicule, and laughter from most American football fans, but they've not been a total...

Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors

APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant cosmetic needs of pretend pastors. White, who serves as "Senior Pastor"...

Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has...

TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics

DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...

Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...

EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...

Target Launches “TransJenner” Fashion Line For Men Pretending To Be Women

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Stores, Inc. today announced the launch of its new "TransJenner" clothing line aimed at men pretending to be women. "I'm very proud...

TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE

Thor Angered By Rampant Abuse Of Rainbow Bridge Concept

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A man that many identify as the god of thunder is upset with what he calls "the rampant abuse of the rainbow bridge concept" in...

American “Conservatives” Wonder What They Were Smoking When They Fell For...

WASHINGTON, DC - Self-identified conservative Republicans across the nation are in a state of heartbroken shock following revelations that their favorite drag queen and homosexual activist,...

PLAGUES

John McCain Awakens From Vampiric Slumber; Advocates (More) War (Again)

WASHINGTON, DC - Legendary Republican Senator and bloodthirsty, undead tool of the military industrial complex, John McCain, invigorated by the fresh prospects of open war...

Trump Celebrates 100 Year Anniversary Of World War I By Starting...

WASHINGTON, DC - In the immediate aftermath of military strikes against Syria, the United States has proudly taken full credit for "getting the 100th...

WAR

North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself

  PYONGYANG - In yet another profoundly misguided and tragically comedic effort to impress the world with its military prowess, North Korea has accidentally nuked itself. According to numerous reports from the region, embarrassment caused by the failure of...

John McCain Awakens From Vampiric Slumber; Advocates (More) War (Again)

WASHINGTON, DC - Legendary Republican Senator and bloodthirsty, undead tool of the military industrial complex, John McCain, invigorated by the fresh prospects of open war with Syria and, if he's really lucky, Russia, rose from...

Trump Celebrates 100 Year Anniversary Of World War I By Starting World War III

WASHINGTON, DC - In the immediate aftermath of military strikes against Syria, the United States has proudly taken full credit for "getting the 100th...

Samsung Rebrands Phones As Grenades; Announces Massive Military Contract

SAN JOSE, CA - Samsung announced the culmination of what it calls the "ultimate lemons to lemonade scenario" through the complete rebranding of its infamously explosive...

Obama Plans Massive Money-Bombing Of Iranian Nuclear Facilities

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to calm growing concerns over Iran's open pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Obama is planning a "massive money-bombing campaign...

US Transgender Army To “Help Christians Learn Their Place” In New American Culture, Pentagon...

WASHINGTON, DC - Hot on the heels of a recent US Senate vote to require women to offer themselves up to the American State by registering for...

POLITICS

New York Times To Launch New Publication Dedicated Entirely To Retractions

NEW YORK, NY - The New York Times has announced that it will launch a new daily publication dedicated entirely to the publication of...

Leftists Recast Second Amendment As “Right To Shoot Republicans”

WASHINGTON, DC - In the wake of today's attempted murder of multiple Republican Congressmen and staffers at the hand of a profoundly deranged anti-Trumper,...

BUSINESS & FINANCE

Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back To Work”

LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA - One of China's largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees by constructing a protective layer of "safe and comfortable" nets...

British Labour Party Officially Changes Name To “Avoidance Of Labour Party”

LONDON - In a long-anticipated move aimed at bringing Britain's most overtly socialist major political party into harmony with linguistic reality, the British Labour Party has officially changed its name to the Avoidance of...

President Obama Goes On Massive Amazon Shopping Spree In Hopes Of Hitting $20 Trillion...

WASHINGTON, DC - In a desperate, last ditch effort to cross the twenty trillion dollar debt mark before leaving office on January 20, President...

Samsung Rebrands Phones As Grenades; Announces Massive Military Contract

SAN JOSE, CA - Samsung announced the culmination of what it calls the "ultimate lemons to lemonade scenario" through the complete rebranding of its infamously explosive...

CHURCH CULTURE

Bible Answer Man Converts To Tradition Answer Man

CHARLOTTE, NC - In the wake of Hank Hanegraaff's conversion to the Eastern Orthodox religion, The Bible Answer Man program that he's been hosting for...

Pope Francis Preorders 2018 Dodge Demon

VATICAN CITY - A spokesperson for Pope Francis has confirmed rumors that the pontiff has pre-ordered a 2018 Dodge Demon. The new Dodge muscle car monster, which...

CULTS

Pope Saints Lenin, Marx, and Che Guevara

VATICAN CITY - In an effort to help offset America's pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord and get people refocused on what he...

Climate Cultists Meltdown As Trump Disses Global Warming Fiction

PARIS, FRANCE - In the wake of President Trump's decision exit the Paris Climate Accord, millions of Leftist, Gaia-worshipping nutcases the world over are spewing enough...

EMERGENT CHURCH

If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...

CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy, Joel Osteeny life, according to a recently released report written by...

“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims

PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and trendiness, and with so many readers yearning for even more self-affirming, truth-mutilating "translations" of Scripture, author...

Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...

SPRING HILL, TN - Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...

Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...

WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS

Megachurch Makes New Years Resolution To Keep Hard Details Of Scripture...

HOUSTON, TX - Lakewood Church, the legendary Houston-area mega-mega-megachurch "pastored" by best-selling author and self-affirming visionary Joel Osteen, officially pledged to its members yesterday that...

Paula White To Cap Off Trump Inaugural Prayer With Plea For...

NEW YORK, NY - In yet another redundant demonstration of the wrath of God upon America, Paula White, the twice divorced Senior Pastorette at Destiny...
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