IN THE NEWS

BBC Blames Catastrophically Awful Sherlock Season 4 On Russian Hacking

LONDON, ENGLAND - The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) is blaming Russian hackers for what is coming to be known as a catastrophically awful Season 4 of Sherlock. The...

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Hollywood Pre-Crime “Experts” Call For Pre-Impeachment Of President-Elect Trump

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Hundreds of artsy, self-described geniuses and elite culture-shaping weirdos from across the entertainment industry have come together in unity to call...

BBC Blames Catastrophically Awful Sherlock Season 4 On Russian Hacking

LONDON, ENGLAND - The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) is blaming Russian hackers for what is coming to be known as a catastrophically awful Season 4 of Sherlock. The...

SPORTS

Seahawks Color Rush Uniforms A Huge Hit With LGBTQ Commity And Skittles Fans

SEATTLE, WA - The NFL's new "Color Rush" uniforms for the Seattle Seahawks may have become the object of scorn, ridicule, and laughter from most American football fans, but they've not been a total...

Darth Vader Weeps Joyfully As Raiders Clinch Winning Season

OAKLAND, CA - Darth Vader, legendary lord of the Sith, destroyer of the Jedi, and dark tyrannical figure known for supervising the construction of multiple planet-obliterating Death Stars, was witnessed weeping for joy on Sunday as his...

Colin Kaepernick’s Socks Charged With Treason

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Beleaguered San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's controversial socks have been formally charged with treason, according to a statement released...

Phelps Shatters All Known Sewage Swimming Records At Rio Olympics

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - With the 2016 Summer Olympics drawing to a close, one thing has been made abundantly clear: Nobody swims through...

NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From Death Of America

NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of...

Brock Lesnar Self-Identifies As 130 Pound Woman; Effortlessly Dominates Women’s MMA

LAS VEGAS, NV - Since self-identifying as a 130-pound woman and changing his name to "Fantasia", Brock Lesnar has effortlessly dominated women's mixed martial...

TECHNOLOGY

New Dodge Challenger Boasts Enough Horsepower To “Literally Tow North Korea...

DETROIT, MI - Dodge has announced that a forthcoming variant of its supercool retro ride, the Dodge Challenger, will boast enough horsepower and torque to...

Samsung Rebrands Phones As Grenades; Announces Massive Military Contract

SAN JOSE, CA - Samsung announced the culmination of what it calls the "ultimate lemons to lemonade scenario" through the complete rebranding of its infamously explosive...

EDUCATION

Teacher Claims To “Love And Respect” Christianity As Long As It’s...

SACRAMENTO, CA - A highly regarded local science teacher is proclaiming his "deep love and respect" for Christianity, so long as Christianity is "redefined...

Colleges To Offer Safe Places Within Safe Places

SEATTLE, WA - In an effort to coddle the egos and preserve the tuition payments of millions of Precious Snowflakes across America, more and...

FASHION

Seahawks Color Rush Uniforms A Huge Hit With LGBTQ Commity And Skittles Fans

SEATTLE, WA - The NFL's new "Color Rush" uniforms for the Seattle Seahawks may have become the object of scorn, ridicule, and laughter from most American football fans, but they've not been a total...

Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors

APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant cosmetic needs of pretend pastors. White, who serves as "Senior Pastor"...

Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has...

TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics

DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...

Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...

EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...

Target Launches “TransJenner” Fashion Line For Men Pretending To Be Women

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Stores, Inc. today announced the launch of its new "TransJenner" clothing line aimed at men pretending to be women. "I'm very proud...

TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE

Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity

NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...

GOP Comes Out Of The Closet; Evangelical Leaders Pledge Full Support

CLEVELAND, OH - With help from such well known evangelical leaders as Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Paula White, the Republican Party was finally able to fully...

PLAGUES

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Global Warming; Mainstream Media Conflicted

ALEPPO, SYRIA - The Islamic State has released a statement claiming "complete responsibility" for global warming, leaving mainstream media sources in America and throughout the...

Hillary Celebrates Pneumonia Diagnosis By Hugging Small Child

NEW YORK, NY - Hillary Clinton celebrated her recent pneumonia diagnosis by hugging a small, innocent child, shamelessly using the unsuspecting little one as...

WAR

Samsung Rebrands Phones As Grenades; Announces Massive Military Contract

SAN JOSE, CA - Samsung announced the culmination of what it calls the "ultimate lemons to lemonade scenario" through the complete rebranding of its infamously explosive cell phone line into a new range of cutting edge handheld smart...

Obama Plans Massive Money-Bombing Of Iranian Nuclear Facilities

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to calm growing concerns over Iran's open pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Obama is planning a "massive money-bombing campaign against Iranian nuclear facilities" according to several highly placed sources...

US Transgender Army To “Help Christians Learn Their Place” In New American Culture, Pentagon...

WASHINGTON, DC - Hot on the heels of a recent US Senate vote to require women to offer themselves up to the American State by registering for...

US Senate Votes For Women’s Draft And Primae Noctis After Legislative “Braveheart” Screening

WASHINGTON, DC - In two culture-rocking votes earlier this week, the U.S. Senate overwhelmingly passed bills to subject women to the military draft and to reinstitute the ancient...

Man Self-Identifying As Napoleon Immediately Put In Charge Of French Army

PARIS - In what once would have earned him a one-way ticket to the loony bin, Kansas City native and longtime eccentric Greg Powell was instead immediately...

Toyota Admits ISIS Membership Discount Program “Wasn’t The Brightest Idea”

TORRANCE, CA - In what many view as the long overdue acknowledgment of a promotional discount program gone terribly wrong, Toyota Motor Corporation has finally apologized to the world for...

POLITICS

Hollywood Pre-Crime “Experts” Call For Pre-Impeachment Of President-Elect Trump

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Hundreds of artsy, self-described geniuses and elite culture-shaping weirdos from across the entertainment industry have come together in unity to call...

Team Trump Requests Fireproof Bible For Inauguration

WASHINGTON, DC - The committee overseeing President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration has formally requested that a "fireproof, or at the very least, incredibly fire resistant" Bible...

BUSINESS & FINANCE

President Obama Goes On Massive Amazon Shopping Spree In Hopes Of Hitting $20 Trillion...

WASHINGTON, DC - In a desperate, last ditch effort to cross the twenty trillion dollar debt mark before leaving office on January 20, President Obama has ordered administration officials and department heads to embark upon...

Samsung Rebrands Phones As Grenades; Announces Massive Military Contract

SAN JOSE, CA - Samsung announced the culmination of what it calls the "ultimate lemons to lemonade scenario" through the complete rebranding of its infamously explosive cell phone line into a new range of cutting edge handheld smart...

Trump SBA Pick Prescribes “Massive Amounts Of Steroids” To “Help American Small Business Get...

New York, NY - Linda McMahon, the wrestling magnate chosen by President-elect Trump to head the U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA), is in the...

Black Friday Officially Extended To Cover Second Half Of November

NEW YORK, NY - Black Friday has officially become Black Second-Half-Of-November. With Black Friday themed sales and events now often beginning days or even weeks...

CHURCH CULTURE

Megachurch Makes New Years Resolution To Keep Hard Details Of Scripture...

HOUSTON, TX - Lakewood Church, the legendary Houston-area mega-mega-megachurch "pastored" by best-selling author and self-affirming visionary Joel Osteen, officially pledged to its members yesterday that...

Church Growth Experts Mystified By Gimmick-Free Success Of Early Christianity

DALLAS, TX - Thousands of professional church growth experts are set to gather in Dallas this weekend in an effort to understand how it is that...

CULTS

Pope Keeps Dedicating Things To Mary

VATICAN CITY - In a continued effort to remind anyone paying any attention at all that he is in no way, shape, or form...

“Love Trumps Hate” Forces Burn, Loot And Pillage “In Defense Of...

OAKLAND, CA - In a heartwarming display of peace, love, tolerance and a commitment to the principles of democracy that they claim to adore,...

EMERGENT CHURCH

If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...

CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy, Joel Osteeny life, according to a recently released report written by...

“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims

PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and trendiness, and with so many readers yearning for even more self-affirming, truth-mutilating "translations" of Scripture, author...

Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...

SPRING HILL, TN - Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...

Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...

WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS

Megachurch Makes New Years Resolution To Keep Hard Details Of Scripture...

HOUSTON, TX - Lakewood Church, the legendary Houston-area mega-mega-megachurch "pastored" by best-selling author and self-affirming visionary Joel Osteen, officially pledged to its members yesterday that...

Paula White To Cap Off Trump Inaugural Prayer With Plea For...

NEW YORK, NY - In yet another redundant demonstration of the wrath of God upon America, Paula White, the twice divorced Senior Pastorette at Destiny...
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