IN THE NEWS

Hillary Literally Auctions “Influence” On eBay While Angrily Denying Selling Influence...

WASHINGTON, DC - When news broke this week of Hillary Clinton having literally auctioned off "influence" in a series of eBay auctions stretching back...

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Sesame Street’s “The Count” Dies Trying To Keep Up With US...

SESAME STREET - Count von Count, the beloved counting vampire Muppet from Sesame Street, also known as "The Count" and "Count Count", was pronounced...

Cookie Monster Comes Out Of The Closet; Self-Identifies As “Very Large...

SESAME STREET - Cookie Monster has come out of the closet. The wildly popular Muppet's coming out party is said to be the central theme of a...

SPORTS

Phelps Shatters All Known Sewage Swimming Records At Rio Olympics

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - With the 2016 Summer Olympics drawing to a close, one thing has been made abundantly clear: Nobody swims through sewage faster than Michael Phelps. Phelps added to his all-time Olympic gold medal haul...

NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From Death Of America

NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of unmatched entertainment and diversion from the implosion of American culture...

Brock Lesnar Self-Identifies As 130 Pound Woman; Effortlessly Dominates Women’s MMA

LAS VEGAS, NV - Since self-identifying as a 130-pound woman and changing his name to "Fantasia", Brock Lesnar has effortlessly dominated women's mixed martial...

Tebow Clarification Of Philippians 4:13 Disappoints Self-Absorbed, Power-Mad Fans

JACKSONVILLE, FL - Tim Tebow's recent clarification of Philippians 4:13, probably the most frequently and comically abused out-of-context Bible verse in the wide world...

Jenner To Sing “I Am Woman” At PayPal Sponsored Super Bowl Halftime Show

NEW YORK, NY - Super Bowl 51 may still be nearly a year away, but new halftime show sponsor PayPal is wasting no time...

Floyd Mayweather Self-Identifies As A Woman Just Long Enough To Win Every Women’s Boxing...

LAS VEGAS, NV - Floyd Mayweather, Jr., the undefeated boxing champion widely regarded as the greatest professional fighter of his era and one of...

TECHNOLOGY

Hillary Clinton “Wishes Email Had Never Been Invented”; Plans Executive Orders...

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Hillary Clinton has come to "wish that email had never been invented" and is planning "severe retaliation against those who have...

Fearful, Technophobic Christians Terrorized By Pikachu

EVERYWHERE, USA - Fearful, technophobic Christians from all across America's fruited plane and from sea to shining sea are being sent into yet another apocalyptic...

EDUCATION

Christians Still Refuse To Connect The Dots On Children’s Education

JACKSON, MS - Despite President Obama's transgender bathroom decree and the inherently Marxist/Satanic nature of a State-run children's education system based clearly upon the satanic...

Local Church Celebrates Resumption Of Satanic Child Education System

PLANO, TX - A local Nazarene church has joined with Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, and Lutheran churches across the country in celebrating the resumption of government...

FASHION

Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors

APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant cosmetic needs of pretend pastors. White, who serves as "Senior Pastor"...

Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has followed up with a "TransToddlers" line aimed at tapping into...

TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics

DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...

Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...

EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...

Target Launches “TransJenner” Fashion Line For Men Pretending To Be Women

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Stores, Inc. today announced the launch of its new "TransJenner" clothing line aimed at men pretending to be women. "I'm very proud...

TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE

Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity

NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...

GOP Comes Out Of The Closet; Evangelical Leaders Pledge Full Support

CLEVELAND, OH - With help from such well known evangelical leaders as Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Paula White, the Republican Party was finally able to fully...

PLAGUES

Scientists Propose “Giant Wall Of Trump/Clinton Voters” To Contain Brain Eating...

ATLANTA, GA - In an effort to halt the further spread of brain eating amoebas that have recently emerged as a serious threat to American...

Sanders Succumbs To Clinton Virus; Endorses Hillary For President

PORTSMOUTH, NH - After a long, drawn out battle, Bernie Sanders finally succumbed to the Clinton virus yesterday at a campaign rally in New Hampshire where...

WAR

Obama Plans Massive Money-Bombing Of Iranian Nuclear Facilities

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to calm growing concerns over Iran's open pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Obama is planning a "massive money-bombing campaign against Iranian nuclear facilities" according to several highly placed sources...

US Transgender Army To “Help Christians Learn Their Place” In New American Culture, Pentagon...

WASHINGTON, DC - Hot on the heels of a recent US Senate vote to require women to offer themselves up to the American State by registering for the draft, 'patriotic' proponents of the same Orwellian perpetual war machine have...

US Senate Votes For Women’s Draft And Primae Noctis After Legislative “Braveheart” Screening

WASHINGTON, DC - In two culture-rocking votes earlier this week, the U.S. Senate overwhelmingly passed bills to subject women to the military draft and to reinstitute the ancient...

Man Self-Identifying As Napoleon Immediately Put In Charge Of French Army

PARIS - In what once would have earned him a one-way ticket to the loony bin, Kansas City native and longtime eccentric Greg Powell was instead immediately...

Toyota Admits ISIS Membership Discount Program “Wasn’t The Brightest Idea”

TORRANCE, CA - In what many view as the long overdue acknowledgment of a promotional discount program gone terribly wrong, Toyota Motor Corporation has finally apologized to the world for...

Ted Cruz Promises War With Nation(s) Of Israel’s Choosing

PROVO, UT - "Of course I would send American troops into whatever country Israel wanted them to be in," said Senator Ted Cruz during a...

POLITICS

Hillary Accidentally Obeys A Law

CHAPPAQUA, NY - Hillary Clinton may have accidentally obeyed an actual law earlier today, according to several highly placed and even more highly shocked sources...

Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity

NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...

BUSINESS & FINANCE

American Conservatives Fight To Protect Their Favorite Socialist Programs From Illegal Immigrants

WACO, TX - American conservatives are fighting like never before to protect their favorite socialist programs from being "looted by illegal immigrants". "Our precious public schools, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps, and unemployment benefits...

Sesame Street’s “The Count” Dies Trying To Keep Up With US Debt Clock

SESAME STREET - Count von Count, the beloved counting vampire Muppet from Sesame Street, also known as "The Count" and "Count Count", was pronounced "totally and completely dead" earlier this morning after attempting to...

Christian Mingle Forced To Find Dates For Bruce Jenner

LOS ANGELES, CA - In keeping with the long established trend of forcing themselves upon anyone not willing to accommodate their perverted desires, LGBT advocates have...

Multimillionaire Rap/Rock Icons Join Forces To Form “Anti-Capitalism” Supergroup “Profits Of Rage”; Plan Giant,...

LOS ANGELES, CA - Members of such mega-successful and incredibly wealthy culture-raping bands as Public Enemy, Rage Against The Machine, and Cypress Hill, have come together...

CHURCH CULTURE

Church Optimistic About Its Marketing Of Pessimism

VIOLA, AR - Through a clever new series of ads and marquee postings, a local Baptist church is hoping to cash in on the apathy, pessimism, and spirit of preemptive...

Southern Baptists Defend Religious Liberty Of Satanists To Perform Black Mass...

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - After defending the "God-given rights" of Muslims to build mosques and openly worship Allah in America, the Southern Baptist Convention's...

CULTS

Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity

NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...

NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From...

NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of...

EMERGENT CHURCH

If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...

CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy, Joel Osteeny life, according to a recently released report written by...

“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims

PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and trendiness, and with so many readers yearning for even more self-affirming, truth-mutilating "translations" of Scripture, author...

Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...

SPRING HILL, TN - Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...

Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...

WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS

Osteen Reveals True Identity As “Jo-El, Most Favored Son Of Krypton”

HOUSTON, TX - Joel Osteen, legendarily charmed prosperity gospel pitching pastor of Lakewood Mega Mega Church™, has revealed to the world his true identity as...

Paula White Confirms That She “Totally Led Trump To Jesus”

NEW YORK, NY - Paula White, Senior Pastorette at Destiny Christian Center near Orlando and spiritual confidant of presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump, is emphatically...
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