IN THE NEWS

Darth Vader Weeps Joyfully As Raiders Clinch Winning Season

OAKLAND, CA - Darth Vader, legendary lord of the Sith, destroyer of the Jedi, and dark tyrannical figure known for supervising the construction of multiple planet-obliterating...

Clinton Campaign Manager Regrets “Not Sacrificing A Few More Chickens To...

NEW YORK, NY - Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta "really regrets not sacrificing at least a few more chickens to Moloch", according to statements made by several well...

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Bill Clinton And Bill Cosby To Co-Author Book On Respecting And/Or...

LAS VEGAS, NV - Former President and serial sexual predator Bill Clinton has joined with former television superstar and serial sexual predator Bill Cosby to co-author a...

Sesame Street’s “The Count” Dies Trying To Keep Up With US...

SESAME STREET - Count von Count, the beloved counting vampire Muppet from Sesame Street, also known as "The Count" and "Count Count", was pronounced...

SPORTS

Darth Vader Weeps Joyfully As Raiders Clinch Winning Season

OAKLAND, CA - Darth Vader, legendary lord of the Sith, destroyer of the Jedi, and dark tyrannical figure known for supervising the construction of multiple planet-obliterating Death Stars, was witnessed weeping for joy on Sunday as his...

Colin Kaepernick’s Socks Charged With Treason

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Beleaguered San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's controversial socks have been formally charged with treason, according to a statement released this afternoon by the US Department of Justice. The socks, depicting...

Phelps Shatters All Known Sewage Swimming Records At Rio Olympics

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - With the 2016 Summer Olympics drawing to a close, one thing has been made abundantly clear: Nobody swims through...

NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From Death Of America

NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of...

Brock Lesnar Self-Identifies As 130 Pound Woman; Effortlessly Dominates Women’s MMA

LAS VEGAS, NV - Since self-identifying as a 130-pound woman and changing his name to "Fantasia", Brock Lesnar has effortlessly dominated women's mixed martial...

Tebow Clarification Of Philippians 4:13 Disappoints Self-Absorbed, Power-Mad Fans

JACKSONVILLE, FL - Tim Tebow's recent clarification of Philippians 4:13, probably the most frequently and comically abused out-of-context Bible verse in the wide world...

TECHNOLOGY

Samsung To Replace Exploding Phones With New, Not-Yet-Exploded Phones

RIDGEFIELD PARK, NJ - Samsung Electronics America is promising to replace any recently exploded Galaxy series smart phones with new, not-yet-exploded Galaxy series smartphones....

Obama Administration Advances Robot Labor Movement By Promoting Minimum Wage Hike...

WASHINGTON, DC - With millions of robots already unemployed and more rolling off the assembly line with each passing day, the White House has...

EDUCATION

Trigger Warning Sign At Debate Reveals Hofstra U To Be Even...

HEMPSTEAD, NY - Pansy Generation is in full bloom as debate kickoff nears at Hofstra University, where a "Trigger Warning" sign was placed outside...

Genesis 3 Serpent Named US Department Of Education Mascot; Christians To...

WASHINGTON, DC - The US Department of Education has formally adopted the serpent from Genesis 3 as its official mascot, inspiring expressions of "shock"...

FASHION

Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors

APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant cosmetic needs of pretend pastors. White, who serves as "Senior Pastor"...

Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has followed up with a "TransToddlers" line aimed at tapping into...

TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics

DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...

Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...

EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...

Target Launches “TransJenner” Fashion Line For Men Pretending To Be Women

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Stores, Inc. today announced the launch of its new "TransJenner" clothing line aimed at men pretending to be women. "I'm very proud...

TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE

Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity

NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...

GOP Comes Out Of The Closet; Evangelical Leaders Pledge Full Support

CLEVELAND, OH - With help from such well known evangelical leaders as Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Paula White, the Republican Party was finally able to fully...

PLAGUES

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Global Warming; Mainstream Media Conflicted

ALEPPO, SYRIA - The Islamic State has released a statement claiming "complete responsibility" for global warming, leaving mainstream media sources in America and throughout the...

Hillary Celebrates Pneumonia Diagnosis By Hugging Small Child

NEW YORK, NY - Hillary Clinton celebrated her recent pneumonia diagnosis by hugging a small, innocent child, shamelessly using the unsuspecting little one as...

WAR

Obama Plans Massive Money-Bombing Of Iranian Nuclear Facilities

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to calm growing concerns over Iran's open pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Obama is planning a "massive money-bombing campaign against Iranian nuclear facilities" according to several highly placed sources...

US Transgender Army To “Help Christians Learn Their Place” In New American Culture, Pentagon...

WASHINGTON, DC - Hot on the heels of a recent US Senate vote to require women to offer themselves up to the American State by registering for the draft, 'patriotic' proponents of the same Orwellian perpetual war machine have...

US Senate Votes For Women’s Draft And Primae Noctis After Legislative “Braveheart” Screening

WASHINGTON, DC - In two culture-rocking votes earlier this week, the U.S. Senate overwhelmingly passed bills to subject women to the military draft and to reinstitute the ancient...

Man Self-Identifying As Napoleon Immediately Put In Charge Of French Army

PARIS - In what once would have earned him a one-way ticket to the loony bin, Kansas City native and longtime eccentric Greg Powell was instead immediately...

Toyota Admits ISIS Membership Discount Program “Wasn’t The Brightest Idea”

TORRANCE, CA - In what many view as the long overdue acknowledgment of a promotional discount program gone terribly wrong, Toyota Motor Corporation has finally apologized to the world for...

Ted Cruz Promises War With Nation(s) Of Israel’s Choosing

PROVO, UT - "Of course I would send American troops into whatever country Israel wanted them to be in," said Senator Ted Cruz during a...

POLITICS

Media Takes New “Respectful” Approach To Insulting Trump Voters

NEW YORK, NY - With popular sentiment having clearly turned against the mainstream media "experts" who predicted a Hillary Clinton cake walk to the...

7 Out Of 10 Americans Believe Media Experts Are Actually Morons

NEW YORK, NY - Seven out of ten Americans currently believe that those put forth by mainstream media as experts are actually morons, according to recently...

BUSINESS & FINANCE

Black Friday Officially Extended To Cover Second Half Of November

NEW YORK, NY - Black Friday has officially become Black Second-Half-Of-November. With Black Friday themed sales and events now often beginning days or even weeks before the traditional day after Thanksgiving and extending well into...

Halloween Smoothly Transitions Into Obamacare Day

WASHINGTON, DC - Americans who went to bed last night thinking the horrors of Halloween were behind them are waking up today to the cold, hard, apocalyptic reality of yet another wave of sky...

Roving Horde Of Community Activists Loots, Burns And Pillages To Promote Peace And Social...

CHARLOTTE, NC - Rampaging hordes of community activists have looted, burned, and pillaged much of downtown Charlotte in an effort to promote peace and...

Obama Administration Advances Robot Labor Movement By Promoting Minimum Wage Hike For Humans

WASHINGTON, DC - With millions of robots already unemployed and more rolling off the assembly line with each passing day, the White House has...

CHURCH CULTURE

Local Church Replaces King Jesus With Boyfriend Jesus

SALEM, AR - A local church is boldly proclaiming its emotion-driven affection for Boyfriend Jesus, whom it prefers "with all of its heart" over any and...

Church Optimistic About Its Marketing Of Pessimism

VIOLA, AR - Through a clever new series of ads and marquee postings, a local Baptist church is hoping to cash in on the apathy, pessimism, and spirit of preemptive...

CULTS

“Love Trumps Hate” Forces Burn, Loot And Pillage “In Defense Of...

OAKLAND, CA - In a heartwarming display of peace, love, tolerance and a commitment to the principles of democracy that they claim to adore,...

Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity

NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...

EMERGENT CHURCH

If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...

CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy, Joel Osteeny life, according to a recently released report written by...

“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims

PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and trendiness, and with so many readers yearning for even more self-affirming, truth-mutilating "translations" of Scripture, author...

Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...

SPRING HILL, TN - Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...

Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...

WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS

Osteen Reveals True Identity As “Jo-El, Most Favored Son Of Krypton”

HOUSTON, TX - Joel Osteen, legendarily charmed prosperity gospel pitching pastor of Lakewood Mega Mega Church™, has revealed to the world his true identity as...

Paula White Confirms That She “Totally Led Trump To Jesus”

NEW YORK, NY - Paula White, Senior Pastorette at Destiny Christian Center near Orlando and spiritual confidant of presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump, is emphatically...
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