IN THE NEWS
UK Bans Sporks; Announces Crackdown On “Dangerous, Unlicensed Plasticware”
LONDON, ENGLAND - Citing inability of the average public school educated citizen to properly handle pointy plastic tableware, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced that...
Governments Still Refuse To Give Up Their Guns
WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to clarify what it means by "gun control", the United States has signed on to a report co-authored...
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Pope Decrees John Lennon’s “Imagine” Must Be Added To Book Of...
VATICAN CITY - To the shock and horror of hundreds of millions of Catholics who are desperately struggling to prop up the very concept...
Hollywood Stars Gather And Pretend That They Don’t Promote And Massively...
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Some of the biggest, richest names in the Hollywood Clinton Adoration Association gathered at the Golden Globes over the weekend to...
SPORTS
Raiders Tweak NFL By Interviewing Rachel Dolezal To Comply With Rooney Rule
OAKLAND, CA - According to numerous reports, the Oakland Raiders have interviewed famed pretend black woman Rachel Dolezal to fill the team's head coach...
NFL To Replace Kneeling Players With Flag Waving “RoboPatriots” Made In China
NEW YORK, NY - The NFL has announced plans to replace any players who refuse to stand and sing the national anthem with robots...
NFL Agrees To Brand “Scarlet S.O.B.” On Foreheads Of Unpatriotic Players
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - In a desperate attempt to appease President Trump and the millions of Americans he's inspired to push for compulsory adoration of the U.S. flag,...
Trump Ex-Wives Curious About His New Obsession With Respect
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Sources close to both of President Trump's ex-wives confirm that the women are "a bit surprised" and "maybe even...
Conservatives “Thrilled” By Trump Attacking Private Business And Defining Acceptable Patriotism For Everyone
MOBILE, ALABAMA - Conservatives across the country are rallying behind President Trump's recent tweetstorm of commands, in which he dictated terms of proper conduct...
Super Bowl 52 To Feature Awkward Moment Of Silence In Place Of National Anthem
NEW YORK, NY - The National Football League has confirmed that the long standing tradition of having an accomplished musician sing the national anthem before...
TECHNOLOGY
Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back...
LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA - One of China's largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees...
Stormtroopers “Really Unhappy” With Training And Equipment
CORUSCANT - A large majority of Imperial stormtroopers are "really unhappy" with the quality of their training and equipment, according to a new report chronicling what is...
EDUCATION
“Conservatives” Move To Erase History Of Socialist-Written Pledge Of Allegiance
WASHINGTON, DC - Conservative activists are petitioning Congress to do "whatever it takes" to "clean up" the history of The Pledge of Allegiance so that...
Local Daycare Offers Kids Head Start On Illiteracy
KNOXVILLE, TN - In an effort to free up parents for more important/fun things than educating their own young children, Kid Kountry Learning Center...
EDUCATION SPOTLIGHT STORY
FASHION
American Culture Diagnosed With Stage 4 Testicular Cancer
DALLAS, TX – According to a report co-authored by experts monitoring practically every area of life in the United States, American culture is suffering...
Seahawks Color Rush Uniforms A Huge Hit With LGBTQ Commity And Skittles Fans
SEATTLE, WA - The NFL's new "Color Rush" uniforms for the Seattle Seahawks may have become the object of scorn, ridicule, and laughter from...
Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors
APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant...
Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents
MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has...
TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics
DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...
Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...
EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...
FASHION SPOTLIGHT STORY
TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE
Boy Scouts Rebrand As “Trans Scouts”; Hire RuPaul As New Mascot
IRVING, TX - Citing a need to "diversify beyond the outdated and unnecessarily restrictive categories of male and female", the Boy Scouts of America...
Pretend Women Not Sure Whether To Be Offended Or Encouraged By...
HOLLYWOOD, CA - With International Women's Day upon us, millions of pretend women and advocates of pretend womanhood are finding themselves confused as to...
PRESIDENTIAL TRANSJENNER ADVOCACY SPOTLIGHT
PLAGUES
Syrians Launch Missile Strikes On American Planned Parenthood Facilities; Cite “Use...
DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Syrian forces have taken responsibility for five early morning missile strikes that decimated Planned Parenthood facilities in the Chicago, Los Angeles,...
Toys R Us Admits Funding Planned Parenthood “Wasn’t The Brightest Move”
WAYNE, NEW JERSEY - With its hundreds of stores in the process of liquidating inventory as the legendary kid-linked franchise limps toward its grave,...
WAR
Syrians Launch Missile Strikes On American Planned Parenthood Facilities; Cite “Use Of Chemicals To...
DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Syrian forces have taken responsibility for five early morning missile strikes that decimated Planned Parenthood facilities in the Chicago, Los Angeles,...
Chinese Leadership Just Waiting For Diabetes To Finish Off America
BEIJING, CHINA - With recent reports confirming that at least 40% of Americans are now obese, Chinese leadership is happy to "just play it cool,...
President Authorizes Drone Strikes On Athletes Who Refuse To Stand For National Anthem
WASHINGTON, DC - After minutes of what the White House describes as "serious deliberation" between tweets, President Trump has authorized drone strikes against any and...
Trump Bans Pretend Men And Women From Military Service
WASHINGTON, DC - In a move that has shocked and horrified advocates for the obliteration of actual manhood and actual womanhood, President Trump has...
North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself
PYONGYANG - In yet another profoundly misguided and tragically comedic effort to impress the world with its military prowess, North Korea has accidentally nuked itself.
According to...
John McCain Awakens From Vampiric Slumber; Advocates (More) War (Again)
WASHINGTON, DC - Legendary Republican Senator and bloodthirsty, undead tool of the military industrial complex, John McCain, invigorated by the fresh prospects of open war...
WAR STORY SPOTLIGHT
POLITICS
Syrians Launch Missile Strikes On American Planned Parenthood Facilities; Cite “Use...
DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Syrian forces have taken responsibility for five early morning missile strikes that decimated Planned Parenthood facilities in the Chicago, Los Angeles,...
UK Bans Sporks; Announces Crackdown On “Dangerous, Unlicensed Plasticware”
LONDON, ENGLAND - Citing inability of the average public school educated citizen to properly handle pointy plastic tableware, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced that...
BUSINESS & FINANCE
Toys R Us Admits Funding Planned Parenthood “Wasn’t The Brightest Move”
WAYNE, NEW JERSEY - With its hundreds of stores in the process of liquidating inventory as the legendary kid-linked franchise limps toward its grave,...
Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back To Work”
LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA - One of China's largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees...
British Labour Party Officially Changes Name To “Avoidance Of Labour Party”
LONDON - In a long-anticipated move aimed at bringing Britain's most overtly socialist major political party into harmony with linguistic reality, the British Labour...
President Obama Goes On Massive Amazon Shopping Spree In Hopes Of Hitting $20 Trillion...
WASHINGTON, DC - In a desperate, last ditch effort to cross the twenty trillion dollar debt mark before leaving office on January 20, President...
SPOTLIGHT ON BUSINESS
CHURCH CULTURE
Pope Decrees John Lennon’s “Imagine” Must Be Added To Book Of...
VATICAN CITY - To the shock and horror of hundreds of millions of Catholics who are desperately struggling to prop up the very concept...
Luther Strange Admits To “Pretty Much Counting On The Rapture” In...
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA - Defeated Republican Senate candidate Luther Strange admits that he was "pretty much counting on the rapture" in order to defeat Roy Moore...
CULTS
Pope Decrees John Lennon’s “Imagine” Must Be Added To Book Of...
VATICAN CITY - To the shock and horror of hundreds of millions of Catholics who are desperately struggling to prop up the very concept...
MMR Shot To Be Rebranded As “Anti-Anti-Autism Vaccine”
KENILWORTH, NEW JERSEY - With mounting scientific evidence fueling a growing movement of vaccine skepticism, and with Merck's MMR vaccine having been linked to...
EMERGENT CHURCH
If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...
CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy,...
“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims
PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and...
Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...
SPRING HILL, TN -Â Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...
Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...
WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS
Megachurch Makes New Years Resolution To Keep Hard Details Of Scripture...
HOUSTON, TX - Lakewood Church, the legendary Houston-area mega-mega-megachurch "pastored" by best-selling author and self-affirming visionary Joel Osteen, officially pledged to its members yesterday that...
Paula White To Cap Off Trump Inaugural Prayer With Plea For...
NEW YORK, NY - In yet another redundant demonstration of the wrath of God upon America, Paula White, the twice divorced Senior Pastorette at Destiny...
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2016 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
