IN THE NEWS
Trigger Warning Sign At Debate Reveals Hofstra U To Be Even...
HEMPSTEAD, NY - Pansy Generation is in full bloom as debate kickoff nears at Hofstra University, where a "Trigger Warning" sign was placed outside...
Roving Horde Of Community Activists Loots, Burns And Pillages To Promote...
CHARLOTTE, NC - Rampaging hordes of community activists have looted, burned, and pillaged much of downtown Charlotte in an effort to promote peace and...
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Sesame Street’s “The Count” Dies Trying To Keep Up With US...
SESAME STREET - Count von Count, the beloved counting vampire Muppet from Sesame Street, also known as "The Count" and "Count Count", was pronounced...
Cookie Monster Comes Out Of The Closet; Self-Identifies As “Very Large...
SESAME STREET - Cookie Monster has come out of the closet.
The wildly popular Muppet's coming out party is said to be the central theme of a...
SPORTS
Colin Kaepernick’s Socks Charged With Treason
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Beleaguered San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's controversial socks have been formally charged with treason, according to a statement released this afternoon by the US Department of Justice.
The socks, depicting...
Phelps Shatters All Known Sewage Swimming Records At Rio Olympics
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - With the 2016 Summer Olympics drawing to a close, one thing has been made abundantly clear: Nobody swims through sewage faster than Michael Phelps.
Phelps added to his all-time Olympic gold medal haul...
NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From Death Of America
NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of...
Brock Lesnar Self-Identifies As 130 Pound Woman; Effortlessly Dominates Women’s MMA
LAS VEGAS, NV - Since self-identifying as a 130-pound woman and changing his name to "Fantasia", Brock Lesnar has effortlessly dominated women's mixed martial...
Tebow Clarification Of Philippians 4:13 Disappoints Self-Absorbed, Power-Mad Fans
JACKSONVILLE, FL - Tim Tebow's recent clarification of Philippians 4:13, probably the most frequently and comically abused out-of-context Bible verse in the wide world...
Jenner To Sing “I Am Woman” At PayPal Sponsored Super Bowl Halftime Show
NEW YORK, NY - Super Bowl 51 may still be nearly a year away, but new halftime show sponsor PayPal is wasting no time...
TECHNOLOGY
Samsung To Replace Exploding Phones With New, Not-Yet-Exploded Phones
RIDGEFIELD PARK, NJ - Samsung Electronics America is promising to replace any recently exploded Galaxy series smart phones with new, not-yet-exploded Galaxy series smartphones....
Obama Administration Advances Robot Labor Movement By Promoting Minimum Wage Hike...
WASHINGTON, DC - With millions of robots already unemployed and more rolling off the assembly line with each passing day, the White House has...
EDUCATION
Trigger Warning Sign At Debate Reveals Hofstra U To Be Even...
HEMPSTEAD, NY - Pansy Generation is in full bloom as debate kickoff nears at Hofstra University, where a "Trigger Warning" sign was placed outside...
Genesis 3 Serpent Named US Department Of Education Mascot; Christians To...
WASHINGTON, DC - The US Department of Education has formally adopted the serpent from Genesis 3 as its official mascot, inspiring expressions of "shock"...
EDUCATION SPOTLIGHT STORY
FASHION
Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors
APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant cosmetic needs of pretend pastors.
White, who serves as "Senior Pastor"...
Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents
MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has followed up with a "TransToddlers" line aimed at tapping into...
TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics
DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...
Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...
EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...
Target Launches “TransJenner” Fashion Line For Men Pretending To Be Women
MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Stores, Inc. today announced the launch of its new "TransJenner" clothing line aimed at men pretending to be women.
"I'm very proud...
FASHION SPOTLIGHT STORY
TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE
Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity
NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...
GOP Comes Out Of The Closet; Evangelical Leaders Pledge Full Support
CLEVELAND, OH - With help from such well known evangelical leaders as Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Paula White, the Republican Party was finally able to fully...
PRESIDENTIAL TRANSJENNER ADVOCACY SPOTLIGHT
PLAGUES
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Global Warming; Mainstream Media Conflicted
ALEPPO, SYRIA - The Islamic State has released a statement claiming "complete responsibility" for global warming, leaving mainstream media sources in America and throughout the...
Hillary Celebrates Pneumonia Diagnosis By Hugging Small Child
NEW YORK, NY - Hillary Clinton celebrated her recent pneumonia diagnosis by hugging a small, innocent child, shamelessly using the unsuspecting little one as...
WAR
Obama Plans Massive Money-Bombing Of Iranian Nuclear Facilities
WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to calm growing concerns over Iran's open pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Obama is planning a "massive money-bombing campaign against Iranian nuclear facilities" according to several highly placed sources...
US Transgender Army To “Help Christians Learn Their Place” In New American Culture, Pentagon...
WASHINGTON, DC - Hot on the heels of a recent US Senate vote to require women to offer themselves up to the American State by registering for the draft, 'patriotic' proponents of the same Orwellian perpetual war machine have...
US Senate Votes For Women’s Draft And Primae Noctis After Legislative “Braveheart” Screening
WASHINGTON, DC - In two culture-rocking votes earlier this week, the U.S. Senate overwhelmingly passed bills to subject women to the military draft and to reinstitute the ancient...
Man Self-Identifying As Napoleon Immediately Put In Charge Of French Army
PARIS - In what once would have earned him a one-way ticket to the loony bin, Kansas City native and longtime eccentric Greg Powell was instead immediately...
Toyota Admits ISIS Membership Discount Program “Wasn’t The Brightest Idea”
TORRANCE, CA - In what many view as the long overdue acknowledgment of a promotional discount program gone terribly wrong, Toyota Motor Corporation has finally apologized to the world for...
Ted Cruz Promises War With Nation(s) Of Israel’s Choosing
PROVO, UT - "Of course I would send American troops into whatever country Israel wanted them to be in," said Senator Ted Cruz during a...
WAR STORY SPOTLIGHT
POLITICS
Creepy Clowns Terrorize America Via Televised Debate
HEMPSTEAD, NY - A recent wave of creepy clown sightings across the country culminated in 90 minutes of extreme horror on a grand scale as two of...
Trump Promises Frustrated Fans That He Will Literally Disembowel Clinton In...
MIAMI, FL - After a lackluster performance in which most observers believe he missed many glaring opportunities to maul his opponent in classic Trump style,...
BUSINESS & FINANCE
Roving Horde Of Community Activists Loots, Burns And Pillages To Promote Peace And Social...
CHARLOTTE, NC - Rampaging hordes of community activists have looted, burned, and pillaged much of downtown Charlotte in an effort to promote peace and social justice.
Crowds of looters ransacked a local Wal-Mart after shutting...
Obama Administration Advances Robot Labor Movement By Promoting Minimum Wage Hike For Humans
WASHINGTON, DC - With millions of robots already unemployed and more rolling off the assembly line with each passing day, the White House has announced plans to help beleaguered automated workers fond jobs by supporting massive minimum...
Impeached Brazilian President Sentenced To Swim 20 Laps In Olympic Pool
BRASILIA, BRAZIL - Brazil's former President Dilma Rousseff, who was recently impeached and removed from office by the Brazilian Senate, has been ordered to "swim...
White House Admits Obamacare Was “Basically Written By Magic 8-Ball”
WASHINGTON, DC - Highly placed sources in the Obama Administration are acknowledging that the controversial Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, was "basically...
SPOTLIGHT ON BUSINESS
CHURCH CULTURE
Church Optimistic About Its Marketing Of Pessimism
VIOLA, AR - Through a clever new series of ads and marquee postings, a local Baptist church is hoping to cash in on the apathy, pessimism, and spirit of preemptive...
Southern Baptists Defend Religious Liberty Of Satanists To Perform Black Mass...
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - After defending the "God-given rights" of Muslims to build mosques and openly worship Allah in America, the Southern Baptist Convention's...
CULTS
Republicans To Build Giant Wall Between Politics And Biblical Christianity
NEW YORK, NY - Conservative "experts", leaders, media icons and talking heads from across the nation are coming together to "make America great again"...
NFL Kickoff Arrives Just In Time To Help Distract Americans From...
NEW YORK, NY - Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of...
EMERGENT CHURCH
If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...
CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy, Joel Osteeny life, according to a recently released report written by...
“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims
PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and trendiness, and with so many readers yearning for even more self-affirming, truth-mutilating "translations" of Scripture, author...
Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...
SPRING HILL, TN - Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...
Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...
WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS
Osteen Reveals True Identity As “Jo-El, Most Favored Son Of Krypton”
HOUSTON, TX - Joel Osteen, legendarily charmed prosperity gospel pitching pastor of Lakewood Mega Mega Church™, has revealed to the world his true identity as...
Paula White Confirms That She “Totally Led Trump To Jesus”
NEW YORK, NY - Paula White, Senior Pastorette at Destiny Christian Center near Orlando and spiritual confidant of presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump, is emphatically...
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