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Hillary Clinton Warns America Not To Tolerate Sexual Predators Not Named...

WASHINGTON, DC - With the Harvey Weinstein serial sexual predator story only seeming to grow in scope and magnitude, former Secretary of State and...

Bill Clinton Supporters Act Like Harvey Weinstein Is Bad For Some...

LOS ANGELES, CA - With Hollywood power broker Harvey Weinstein having been exposed as a prolific sexual predator who spent much of the past few decades...

SPORTS

NFL To Replace Kneeling Players With Flag Waving “RoboPatriots” Made In China

NEW YORK, NY - The NFL has announced plans to replace any players who refuse to stand and sing the national anthem with robots...

NFL Agrees To Brand “Scarlet S.O.B.” On Foreheads Of Unpatriotic Players

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - In a desperate attempt to appease President Trump and the millions of Americans he's inspired to push for compulsory adoration of the U.S. flag,...

Trump Ex-Wives Curious About His New Obsession With Respect

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Sources close to both of President Trump's ex-wives confirm that the women are "a bit surprised" and "maybe even...

Conservatives “Thrilled” By Trump Attacking Private Business And Defining Acceptable Patriotism For Everyone

MOBILE, ALABAMA - Conservatives across the country are rallying behind President Trump's recent tweetstorm of commands, in which he dictated terms of proper conduct...

Super Bowl 52 To Feature Awkward Moment Of Silence In Place Of National Anthem

  NEW YORK, NY - The National Football League has confirmed that the long standing tradition of having an accomplished musician sing the national anthem before...

President Authorizes Drone Strikes On Athletes Who Refuse To Stand For National Anthem

WASHINGTON, DC - After minutes of what the White House describes as "serious deliberation" between tweets, President Trump has authorized drone strikes against any and...

TECHNOLOGY

Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back...

LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA - One of China's largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees...

Stormtroopers “Really Unhappy” With Training And Equipment

CORUSCANT - A large majority of Imperial stormtroopers are "really unhappy" with the quality of their training and equipment, according to a new report chronicling what is...

EDUCATION

“Conservatives” Move To Erase History Of Socialist-Written Pledge Of Allegiance

WASHINGTON, DC - Conservative activists are petitioning Congress to do "whatever it takes" to "clean up" the history of The Pledge of Allegiance so that...

Local Daycare Offers Kids Head Start On Illiteracy

KNOXVILLE, TN - In an effort to free up parents for more important/fun things than educating their own young children, Kid Kountry Learning Center...

FASHION

Seahawks Color Rush Uniforms A Huge Hit With LGBTQ Commity And Skittles Fans

SEATTLE, WA - The NFL's new "Color Rush" uniforms for the Seattle Seahawks may have become the object of scorn, ridicule, and laughter from...

Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors

APOPKA, FL - Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L'Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant...

Target Rolls Out “TransToddlers” Clothing Line For Children Of Profoundly Confused Parents

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Hot off the successful launch of its TransJenner line of clothing for men pretending to be women, Target Stores, Inc. has...

TD Jakes Launches Clothing Store Chain For Big And Tall Heretics

DALLAS, TX - Famed and fabulously wealthy prosperity preacher TD Jakes has announced plans to open a chain of clothing stores catering to the unique...

Christian T-Shirt Maker Forced To Retire After Running Out Of Secular Logos To Rip...

EVANSVILLE, IN - A local Christian t-shirt designer with a once thriving regional apparel business has been forced into retirement after running out of...

Target Launches “TransJenner” Fashion Line For Men Pretending To Be Women

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Stores, Inc. today announced the launch of its new "TransJenner" clothing line aimed at men pretending to be women. "I'm very proud...

TRANSJENNER LIFESTYLE

Thor Angered By Rampant Abuse Of Rainbow Bridge Concept

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A man that many identify as the god of thunder is upset with what he calls "the rampant abuse of the rainbow bridge concept" in...

American “Conservatives” Wonder What They Were Smoking When They Fell For...

WASHINGTON, DC - Self-identified conservative Republicans across the nation are in a state of heartbroken shock following revelations that their favorite drag queen and homosexual activist,...

PLAGUES

CDC Confirms Massive Outbreak Of Crybully-Snowflake Disease Among Nation’s “Conservatives”

ATLANTA, GEORGIA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is confirming that a "massive outbreak" of what it calls Crybully-Snowflake Disease has indeed occurred among...

John McCain Awakens From Vampiric Slumber; Advocates (More) War (Again)

WASHINGTON, DC - Legendary Republican Senator and bloodthirsty, undead tool of the military industrial complex, John McCain, invigorated by the fresh prospects of open war...

WAR

Chinese Leadership Just Waiting For Diabetes To Finish Off America

BEIJING, CHINA - With recent reports confirming that at least 40% of Americans are now obese, Chinese leadership is happy to "just play it cool,...

President Authorizes Drone Strikes On Athletes Who Refuse To Stand For National Anthem

WASHINGTON, DC - After minutes of what the White House describes as "serious deliberation" between tweets, President Trump has authorized drone strikes against any and...

Trump Bans Pretend Men And Women From Military Service

WASHINGTON, DC - In a move that has shocked and horrified advocates for the obliteration of actual manhood and actual womanhood, President Trump has...

North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself

  PYONGYANG - In yet another profoundly misguided and tragically comedic effort to impress the world with its military prowess, North Korea has accidentally nuked itself. According to...

John McCain Awakens From Vampiric Slumber; Advocates (More) War (Again)

WASHINGTON, DC - Legendary Republican Senator and bloodthirsty, undead tool of the military industrial complex, John McCain, invigorated by the fresh prospects of open war...

Trump Celebrates 100 Year Anniversary Of World War I By Starting World War III

WASHINGTON, DC - In the immediate aftermath of military strikes against Syria, the United States has proudly taken full credit for "getting the 100th...

POLITICS

Clinton Victims’ #MeToo Campaigns Ignored By Mainstream Media For Some Weird...

NEW YORK, NY - In what many are calling "a very curious situation", the #MeToo campaigns featuring victims of former President Bill Clinton don't seem...

Chinese Leadership Just Waiting For Diabetes To Finish Off America

BEIJING, CHINA - With recent reports confirming that at least 40% of Americans are now obese, Chinese leadership is happy to "just play it cool,...

BUSINESS & FINANCE

Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back To Work”

LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA - One of China's largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees...

British Labour Party Officially Changes Name To “Avoidance Of Labour Party”

LONDON - In a long-anticipated move aimed at bringing Britain's most overtly socialist major political party into harmony with linguistic reality, the British Labour...

President Obama Goes On Massive Amazon Shopping Spree In Hopes Of Hitting $20 Trillion...

WASHINGTON, DC - In a desperate, last ditch effort to cross the twenty trillion dollar debt mark before leaving office on January 20, President...

Samsung Rebrands Phones As Grenades; Announces Massive Military Contract

SAN JOSE, CA - Samsung announced the culmination of what it calls the "ultimate lemons to lemonade scenario" through the complete rebranding of its infamously explosive...

CHURCH CULTURE

Luther Strange Admits To “Pretty Much Counting On The Rapture” In...

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA - Defeated Republican Senate candidate Luther Strange admits that he was "pretty much counting on the rapture" in order to defeat Roy Moore...

Bible Answer Man Converts To Tradition Answer Man

CHARLOTTE, NC - In the wake of Hank Hanegraaff's conversion to the Eastern Orthodox religion, The Bible Answer Man program that he's been hosting for...

CULTS

“Conservatives” Move To Erase History Of Socialist-Written Pledge Of Allegiance

WASHINGTON, DC - Conservative activists are petitioning Congress to do "whatever it takes" to "clean up" the history of The Pledge of Allegiance so that...

Conservatives “Thrilled” By Trump Attacking Private Business And Defining Acceptable Patriotism...

MOBILE, ALABAMA - Conservatives across the country are rallying behind President Trump's recent tweetstorm of commands, in which he dictated terms of proper conduct...

EMERGENT CHURCH

If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion,...

CAMBRIDGE, MA - If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy,...

“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims

PORTLAND, OR - With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and...

Churchy Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The...

SPRING HILL, TN - Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was "horrified" when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren't the center...

Hillsong: “What The Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every...

WORD OF FAITH/PROSPERITY PREACHERS

Megachurch Makes New Years Resolution To Keep Hard Details Of Scripture...

HOUSTON, TX - Lakewood Church, the legendary Houston-area mega-mega-megachurch "pastored" by best-selling author and self-affirming visionary Joel Osteen, officially pledged to its members yesterday that...

Paula White To Cap Off Trump Inaugural Prayer With Plea For...

NEW YORK, NY - In yet another redundant demonstration of the wrath of God upon America, Paula White, the twice divorced Senior Pastorette at Destiny...
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