Megachurch Pastor Thankful To God For Rampant Biblical Illiteracy

HOUSTON, TX – Texas Megachurch pastor and icon of American Christianity Joel Osteen confirmed that he is not only thankful for the masses of biblically illiterate people that fill his ginormous church stadium each and every Sunday, but that he has every intention of keeping them in the shallow, self-absorbed, and easily malleable condition that brought them there in the first place.

“I’m very thankful to God for the spiritually blind, deaf, and profoundly confused people who come to Lakewood each and every week,” Osteen smoothly said while flashing his toothy trademark smile. “If it weren’t for them being as comfortably ignorant of Scripture as they are, where would I be?”

“I mean, if these people actually knew what the Bible said about any number of important subjects that I talk about, would they stick around? I think we both know the answer to that question,” Osteen continued, still smiling, with a raised eyebrow and a confident tone.

“Which is precisely why I’m personally committed to keeping ’em right where they are: Biblically illiterate, spiritually infantile, and steadily tithing enablers of My Best Life Now.”