Cousin Eddie Drafted To Save Navy From "Drowning In Its Own Crap"

CRETE, GREECE - When the USS Gerald R. Ford found itself filling fast with human waste as a result of failed plumbing systems, American pride and propaganda took a hit. Having "the most massive and technologically advanced war machine ever made" sidelined by overflowing crappers wasn't exactly the best ad for "unquestioned American military supremacy" on the way to starting another war with Iran.

"Being taken out of action by our own sewage wasn't on anyone's bingo card," admitted a visibly twitchy Admiral Gwendolyn Ackbar at a press conference conducted on the carrier's flight deck shortly after docking in Crete to allow its crew to use functioning toilets on the Greek island. "I must reiterate that we are still completely committed to striking fear into enemies of the United States . . . just as soon as we figure out how to deal with our own crap."

"In this unprecedented age of constantly evolving threats, we must view these obstacles as opportunities to demonstrate to the world our unmatched ability to adapt and overcome adversity while demonstrating our even more unmatched commitment to diversity" added Ackbar, who identifies as they/them on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. "Thankfully, the President has taken direct action and enlisted the help of a close personal friend and great patriot whose experience and skill set make him uniquely qualified to help."

"Cousin Eddie should be here any minute now and promises to have our shitters emptied by evening."

"God bless America!"