Megachurch Makes New Years Resolution to Keep Hard Details of Scripture “Even Further Away” From Members

HOUSTON, TX – Lakewood Church, the legendary Houston-area mega-mega-megachurch “pastored” by best-selling author and self-affirming visionary Joel Osteen, officially pledged to its members yesterday that leadership and staff at Lakewood will “do everything within their power” to keep the many challenging, convicting details of Scripture “even further away” from its church members’ eyes, ears, hearts and wallets in 2017.

“We had already the bar set pretty high – or low, depending on how you look at it,” explained one senior Lakewood staffer. “But there’s always room for improvement, and since we’re all about self-improvement, we thought we’d take it upon ourselves to improve ourselves in this critical area.”

“The last thing we want to do is see anyone confronted or convicted or made even the tiniest little bit uncomfortable by any of the many harsh truths that saturate Scripture….which is why we like to take the Bible in teeny, tiny little pieces that we can separate from the hard stuff and recast out of context to fit better with whatever happy little self-empowering theme we’re going with at any given moment. While we’ve done a pretty good job of this already, we just know that we can do even better.”

“So we’re pledging in 2017 to work extra hard to keep even the slightest microscopic little bit of challenging truth away from Lakewood members.”

“Especially the tithing ones.”