Hillsong: “What the Gospel Really Needs Is…More Cowbell!”

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – After many long years of searching out everything but Scripture, consulting with every secular-minded pop-culture and business guru they could find, and trying every pagan, worldly, flesh-feeding gimmick known to man, Hillsong megachurch co-pastors Brian and Bobbie Houston claim to have finally found the lynchpin ingredient for church growth and promotion of the gospel:

More cowbell.

“We’ve got a fever here at Hillsong – a burning passion for lost people to gather together to sing and play and make themselves feel better by pretending to be Christian,” gushed pastorette Bobbie Houston in a lavishly produced 30 second promotional video clip for the new cowbell-centric approach to worship that will formally launch at all Hillsong locations next week. “And the only cure for that fever – the one and only way we’ve found that can build a church business empire the way that we want ours to be built is…more cowbell!”

Hillsong’s new cowbell-focused approach to truth and reality has already proven a hit with many of the organizations’ most dedicated, entertainment-driven, and thoroughly paganized fans.

“Yay! More cowbell!” exclaimed hard core Hillsong follower Melissa Lemming upon hearing the news. “That’s exactly what we need!”

Within 24 hours of the video announcement hitting YouTube, crowds of thousands of Hillsong drones dressed up like SNL cast members dressed up like Blue Oyster Cult members began circling various church facilities around the world while chanting and banging on cowbells.

“What a beautiful and touching display of man-centered, emotion-driven idolatry,” noted pastorette Houston while wiping a tear from her eye.

“Isn’t the gospel amazing?”