Kaine Pledges to Carry Clinton’s Cold, Limp Body Over the Finish Line

WASHIGTON, DC – In an effort to calm building fears among Democrat Party loyalists and regain some sense of stability heading into November’s election, Hillary Clinton’s running-mate, Senator Tim Kaine of Virginia, has enthusiastically agreed to “carry Clinton’s cold, limp, disease-ravaged body across the finish line if need be,” according to numerous highly placed sources within the Clinton/Kaine campaign.

“Senator Kaine will happily do whatever is necessary to secure the White House for the Democrat Party,” added one Clinton campaign strategist on condition of anonymity. “If that means he has to literally carry a dehydrated, despondent, convulsing, coughing, delusional Hillary Rodham Clinton on his back in order to finish this thing out and win the office of President, then so be it.”

“That’s just the kind of guy he is.”