New Guns N’ Roses Tour to Be Sponsored by McDonalds, Taco Bell, Burger King, Doritos, Pizza Hut, Coca-Cola, Snickers, KFC, White Castle, Tums & Pepto Bismol

LOS ANGELES, CA – A new worldwide tour by legendary declining hedonists Guns n’ Roses will be sponsored by McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, Doritos, Pizza Hut, Coca-Cola, Snickers, KFC, White Castle, Tums and Pepto Bismol.

The tour, in support of the band’s soon-to-be-released Appetite for Everything album, is expected to rake in hundreds of millions of dollars from fans eager to see if singer Axl Rose can make it through a full set without the aid of a defibrillator.

“With cheap seat prices starting at $125, it’s sure to be one of the great entertainment bargains of our time,” noted Rolling Stone in a cover story discussing the tour. “The poorly aging band’s cover of Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door alone should be worth the price of admission, especially if they save it ’til the end of an hour and a half show that will almost certainly have Axl on the verge of death.”

Product placement will be a critical part of the tour’s program, according to well-placed sources, with Slash’s hat brim to be loaded with various fast-food items provided by sponsors and Frank Ferrer’s drum kit to feature a pepperoni-lover’s pizza theme.

Free samples of Tums and Pepto Bismol will be dispensed to fans at the end of each show.