Obama Celebrates Friday the 13th By Donning Hockey Mask and Pledging To “Relentlessly Hunt Down” All Who Oppose Him

WASHINGTON, DC – U.S. President Barack Obama continued his celebration of Friday the 13th by donning a hockey mask/machete combo and pledging to “relentlessly hunt down and destroy all who would dare oppose” him.

“Look now, it’s time to get real,” declared the President in a muffled yet determined tone through air holes in the iconic horror-show hockey mask covering his face. “You all need to just shut up and obey. It really is just that simple.”

“So just get with the gay marriage, big government, perpetual war program already,” added Obama while wildly swinging a machete around and lighting a copy of the U.S. Constitution on fire for effect. “We all know that nothing – especially Republican leadership – is gonna stop me.”

“You think Donald Trump is going to save you from big government?” bellowed Obama before laughing so hard he had to adjust his hockey mask, set down his machete, and pause for a sip of water. “That dude’s been pillaging the culture for his entire adult life while playing the big government game from every angle! Honestly, sometimes you Republicans are just too stupid for words.”

“So prepare to die already.”

“I almost feel like I’m doing you and everyone else a favor by putting you out of your misery.”