President Authorizes Drone Strikes on Athletes Who Refuse to Stand for National Anthem

WASHINGTON, DC – After minutes of what the White House describes as “serious deliberation” between tweets, President Trump has authorized drone strikes against any and all professional athletes who refuse to stand for the national anthem.

“Literally millions of patriotic Americans have sacrificed blood, sweat, tears, and, in many cases, their very lives to preserve the freedoms and liberties that we hold dear,” explained Dr. Josephine Goebbels-Isuzu, a close advisor to the President and a big fan of State-controlled everything. “We simply cannot allow the sacrifice of those fine patriots to be disrespected by these athletes who, for whatever reasons, refuse to stand four our State anthem. We must make it very clear that when it comes to honoring America on cue like a trained chimp, dissent is not an option.”

“If we don’t take this stand now, I shudder to think of what will happen to the freedoms that once defined our great land.”