Spain Promises to “Crush as Many Voters as Necessary to Preserve Democracy”

BARCELONA, CATALONIA – The national government of Spain is reiterating its commitment to “literally crush, pillage, plunder, and kill as many rebellious voters in Catalonia as is necessary to preserve democracy in Catalonia”, according to a press release issued today by Spain’s Ministry of Democracy Control.

“As we’ve made plain again and again with each voting booth stolen and each old lady beaten to a bloody pulp to send a message about voting for independence, dissent will not be tolerated,” explained Chairman Adolf Stalin, the head of Spain’s board of politicians charged with the task of preserving their increasingly totalitarian power while somehow maintaining an illusion of democracy. “If we’re going to preserve the precious gem of democracy in Spain, we have to be ready and willing to mercilessly crush all who would dare vote to secede from Spain.”

“We can’t expect Spanish democracy to accomplish the goals of entrenched elitists in Madrid if we’re not willing to literally beat voters into submission from time to time when necessary.”