As Election Draws Near, America Begs for Sweet Release of Death

MAYBERRY, USA – As millions of Americans prepare contemplate going to the polls to choose between Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton to lead the nation and chart the path for their children’s future, many are deciding instead to seriously contemplate “just ending it all”, according to numerous reports.

“A profound sense of hopelessness and depression seems to be taking a deeper and deeper hold on millions of Americans as we inch closer to actually choosing between Trump and Clinton,” noted popular psychologist, best-selling author, and interpretive dance expert Dr. Paula Clueless. “It’s as though they’re just now coming to the realization that this election cycle isn’t just a live-action SNL skit gone wrong and that it’s actually happening in the real world.”

“That realization, quite naturally, has a lot of people rethinking things at a most basic level,” added Dr. Clueless. “So, as the day unfolds, I advise keeping any sharp objects, prescription medications, Justin Bieber albums or toxic household cleaners securely stored safely away from any of the millions of increasingly distraught Americans who may be understandably tempted to take things into their own hands as either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton is elected President.”

“Just to be safe.”