Syrians Launch Missile Strikes on American Planned Parenthood Facilities; Cite “Use of Chemical Weapons on Babies” As Justification

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Syrian forces have taken responsibility for five early morning missile strikes that decimated Planned Parenthood facilities in the Chicago, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, and Washington DC metro areas.

Citing the “ongoing use of chemical weapons to kill literally millions of innocent baby boys and girls,” a statement issued by Syria’s military command explained that it was their “moral duty to at least try to prevent the ongoing murder of babies by the boatload in these wicked, evil facilities that Americans have been protecting and funding for decades. Their long running, well documented use of chemical weapons to burn little babies alive is something we were compelled to at least try to stop.”

“Even though our successful destruction of five Planned Parenthood facilities represents but a tiny dent in the massive baby-murdering system operating each day in the United States, we hope that our attempt to do the right thing will inspire others to think and act accordingly where the ongoing American mass murder of babies is concerned.”

“Since it started operating under the full protection of the U.S. government, Planned Parenthood has murdered well over 6,000,000 babies. That’s one third of the population of our country, so yeah, it’s pretty horrifying.”

“How long will such a great evil be allowed to continue?”