HOUSTON, TX – Despite increasing levels of concern from those closest to him, Houston megachurch pastor Joel Osteen insists that the apparent pain and discomfort he’s displayed during what sure seems like an intense headache coming on is, in fact, not really painful or unpleasant at all.
“No really, everything’s awesome,” assured Osteen through a forced, twitchy smile just before doubling over in what sure appeared to be crippling pain. “It’s not really a headache at all.”
“I don’t get those.”
“I haven’t had a headache since God showed me how to speak such things out of my life,” a profusely sweating Osteen claimed before jerking his head back and thrusting his palms to each side of his brow in what appeared to be a fit of agony. “If I’m experiencing anything like what some people call a ‘migraine headache’, it is a migraine of pure health, wealth, happiness and joy.”
“I’m incapable of having any other kind,” Osteen added before passing out and crumpling to the floor.
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