NEW YORK, NY – Media professionals are expressing concern over what they describe as an “unprecedented surge in suicidal thoughts” registered in polling feedback and other data recorded during and immediately following the first presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice-President Biden.
“It started out fairly normal,” explained Mikhail Wallace of Faux News, who interacted with a group of 50 hand-picked Democrats pretending to be undecided in a network studio during the debate. “The real-time tracking and feedback began with the typical back and forth split between the two candidates. But after about fifteen minutes, things started to get really weird. People were saying things like ‘please make it stop’ and ‘kill me now’. By the time we hit the halfway point, almost half of our focus group was openly weeping.”
911 calls also began to “seriously spike” by around 9:15 Eastern Time, according to numerous sources, with apocalyptic observations and suicidal threats depleting emergency counselling resources in several states.
“There’s no doubt that this debate hit some people really hard,” explained one crisis line counselor on condition of anonymity. “Believe it or not, there were a lot of people who went into it thinking, ‘sure, these guys will disagree and it’ll probably get heated at times, but they’ll keep it at a basic level of decency’. They honestly had no idea what was coming , so when it came, they just couldn’t handle it.”
“And who can really blame them?”
Do you enjoy The End Times? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.