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Apple, Facebook & YouTube Accidentally Collude To Make Alex Jones The Most Popular Living Human On Earth

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Representatives for tech giants Apple, Facebook, and YouTube are vigorously denying claims that their companies are part of an insidious conspiracy to make Alex Jones the most popular living human being in existence.

“We hate him! We really hate him!” exclaimed one high level Apple executive on condition of anonymity in response to a report describing how recent attempts by Apple, Facebook and YouTube to supposedly ‘de-platform’ Jones were, in fact, just cover for a move to make Jones the single most sympathy- and empathy-attracting being in recent history. “No, really, we can’t stand the guy! He’s practically the personification of growing opposition to our efforts to increase the power of the state and corporations over people’s lives, so we’re trying to associate his crazier views with the general notion of decentralized power. That way we can snuff him out for being a crazy man while also making it plain that anyone questioning our perspectives is also crazy and therefore worthy of being snuffed out, too. We hope that all of this will then inspire others who are even thinking about pushing back against centralized state and corporate power to just give up, shut up, get in line, and get with the program.”

“Ideally while continuing to buy lots of iPhones, X-Boxes, Big Macs and Nikes, of course.”

Execs at Facebook and YouTube had similar thoughts.

“We are not and have never colluded to make Alex Jones more popular!” a highly placed Facebook source shrieked emphatically. “We have only colluded to crush him and intimidate all who might join him in pushing back against our positions and narratives!”

But many aren’t buying this corporate line and suspect that the whole thing is just a ruse to justify making Alex Jones the object of so much public sympathy that he emerges as a super-heroic tool of the very tech giants who are supposedly ‘de-platforming’ him.

“It’s all quite obviously a total info war false flag event,” explained Nunya D. Bidness, a longtime fan of Jones’ InfoWars program who’s now convinced that Jones has been compromised and converted to an agent of evil controlled by a satanic cult of blood-drinking technocrats that rules over Apple, Facebook, and YouTube. “I mean, there’s just no way that the demonically inspired geniuses at the top of these multi-gajillion dollar companies could be so stupid as to believe that what they’ve obviously conspired to do to Alex Jones will actually take him down. They can’t possibly be so moronic as to believe that what they’ve done won’t actually make him more popular than ever. Nobody could be that dumb.”

“Could they?”

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