PORTLAND, OR – After many generations of squishy, soft, self-affirming brands of Christianity taking root and flourishing in America, more and more American evangelicals are embracing their inner frightened little girl and openly questioning whether David should have tried harder to “talk it through” with Goliath.
The biblical account in 1 Samuel 17 of the confrontation between the giant God-hating, battle-hardened champion of the Philistines and David, who was probably 14 or 15 years old at the time and would have been encouraged to primarily focus his life on video games, comic book movies, and chasing after girls in today’s American culture, seems bizarre and unnerving to an increasing number of American evangelicals who’ve embraced a simple, shallow, small gospel that pretty much just focuses on eeking their precious little souls into heaven while letting the culture go to hell around them.
“The thought of confronting and calling someone out like David did with Goliath just seems so judgmental,” whimpered 26-year-old Cecil Wormington, a local perpetual student supposedly seeking a degree in computer programming or something. “I mean, taking that kind of stand seems so arrogant and so un-Christ-like. Aren’t we as Christians just supposed to be nice and let the bad people do whatever they want?”
“I mean, who am I to judge, right?”
This cowering, pathetic and preemptively culture-surrendering vibe seems fairly representative of modern evangelical twenty-, thirty-, and forty-something evangelicals in America, most of whom dutifully strive to avoid maturity, adulthood, and any semblance of taking the Gospel and Great Commission seriously, preferring instead to “live and let live” and “let God handle it” when it comes to making active disciples who strive to learn and obey all that God commands in His Word.
“I get that Goliath was imperfect and had done some bad things, but aren’t we all imperfect? Haven’t we all done bad things?” asked 26-year-old declared psychology major Anne Loveless while barely holding back the tears as she struggled to stay on the right side of another emotional breakdown. “Surely if David had just thought about it and maybe talked with Goliath a little more instead of killing him and cutting his head off, they could have come to a happy place of understanding together.”
“To forego the cathartic and therapeutic potential of an ongoing conversation like that in favor of stoning and decapitation just doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“Can’t we all just get along?”
Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.
Thanks!
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.
