NEW YORK, NY – A man who self-identifies as a St. Bernard thundered past an assortment of Yorkies, Shih Tzus, Chihuahuas and Beagles en route to winning Best of Show at this year’s installment of the legendary and prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
The large, hairy man who goes by the name “Puddles” was emotional while delivering his acceptance speech, which itself represented another progressive breakthrough for competitive dog shows since never before has a competing dog actually given a speech.
“I just want to say thank you to the awesome people at Westminster for being so willing to do the right thing and let me compete here,” gushed Puddles in a quivering voice as tears began to stream down his face and onto the First Place ribbon that had just been attached to the lapel of his makeshift dog costume. “There’s a lot of people who question whether dogs living in men’s bodies should be allowed to compete directly against dogs living in dogs’ bodies, but those tired old bigoted and intolerant ways are fading away.”
“I mean, just look at the way guys are already beginning to dominate certain women’s sporting events just because they claim to be women.”
“How awesome is that?!”
When asked what it was that he thought put him over the top in what most experts considered to be an exceptionally talented field in this year’s dog show, Puddles suggested that the newly added speech and debate segment “might have given [him] an edge”.
“I may not be the sharpest guy with words,” Puddles clarified while aggressively sniffing a victory bouquet parked next to him. “But I haven’t met a Yorkie yet who could hang with me in Scrabble.”
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