WASHINGTON, DC – The US Department of Education has formally adopted the serpent from Genesis 3 as its official mascot, inspiring expressions of “shock” and “outrage” from millions of professing Christians in America who still plan to go right on feeding their kids to the American public school system anyway.
“Can you believe it! What’s the world coming to!” exclaimed working mother of three Mary Templeton while posting at one of dozens of Facebook pages dedicated to Christians railing against the clearly satanic nature of public schools while refusing to call such an approach to children’s education sinful or objectively wrong. “They teach everything from religious pluralism to gender chaos, which God hates and warns against! They teach that no religion is ultimately true and therefore that there is no ultimate truth! They teach that homosexuality is legitimate and that transgenderism is okay!”
“What’s a Christian parent like me supposed to do?! Besides complain a little louder while packing my kids’ stuff so that they can catch the school bus on time in the morning, I mean?”
Mrs. Templeton’s frustrations are shared by many professing Christians who apparently have a sense somewhere deep down that the American public school system is fundamentally sinful and wrong, but are receiving no clear, biblical instruction along those lines from their pastors and church leaders.
“Oh sure, anyone with a positive IQ who’s ever actually read Genesis 3 and spent more than two seconds honestly thinking about it knows that American public schools are built completely upon a philosophy of education and an approach to the pursuit of knowledge lifted directly from the serpent’s tongue in the Garden of Eden,” admitted Kelvin DeDumb, popular pastor of a large local evangelical church and second grade teacher at Columbia’s Anton LaVey Elementary School. “Even so, while making the serpent from Genesis 3 the official mascot of American government-run children’s education may seem a little weird or creepy at first, we need not overreact by yanking our impressionable little children out of these temples of satanic worldview training that we call public schools.”
“We need to just stay calm and keep right on sending our kids to these schools so that they can be properly socialized into good American state-worshipping citizens or so they can serve as salt and light to the mature adult unbelievers instructing them for eight or so ours a day. Yeah, that’s what we as Christians in America oughta do.”
“Whatever we do, we can’t let the initial shock of the serpent being our school system’s official mascot get to us. We need to just chill out and roll with it.”
“This too shall pass.”
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