SAN ANTONIO, TX – John Hagee, lead pastor of Cornerstone Church and iconic purveyor of wildly unbiblical “end times” scenarios, blood moon theories, and Republican Party candidates for President, is still routinely “forgetting” to shoehorn in even a brief sermonette on the subject of gluttony, according to numerous reports from members at his ginormous megachurch.
“Yeah, at some point it’s hard not to notice,” noted 76 year-old Jenny Jacobs, a longtime Cornerstone member and fanatical devotee of horrible eschatology. “You’d think after a few thousand sermons over the course of a few decades, Pastor John might have felt compelled to squeeze in at least a little something on gluttony, since…well…you know…”
“But then again, maybe that’s why he’s not going there.”
Hagee, who recently announced plans for a manned mission to the blood moon, has confirmed that he has two new books in the works, multiple sermons already prepared for his congregation, and will be making scores of presentations at numerous apocalypse-themed conventions and conferences over the coming year. Hagee representatives have also confirmed that none of these books, sermons, or presentations will be on or even slightly related to the subject of gluttony.
Hagee’s presentations will instead focus on considering “whether or not blood moons may actually be made of cheese”.
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