CORUSCANT – A large majority of Imperial stormtroopers are “really unhappy” with the quality of their training and equipment, according to a new report chronicling what is described as “a deep state of depression and despair” taking root in the Imperial armed forces.
The report, which included survey results for over 10,000 troopers stationed in seven systems, found that 67% of respondents were “really unhappy” with their equipment and training, while 10% were “suicidally depressed” and 19% were “pretty sure death would be coming for them any second now”.
On the plus side, 3.8% of respondents described themselves as “content”, while 0.2% claimed to be either “happy” (.15%) or “really happy” (.05%).
“Let’s be real. These helmets and suits may look cool and tough and whatnot, but the practical reality is that they’re clunky, clanking, vision-obscuring, damage-amplifying blaster bolt magnets,” explained one trooper on condition of anonymity as to avoid certain torture to be followed by certain death at the hands of those responsible for authorizing the creation and use of the armored suits in question. “Even punches seem to be amplified to the point where an average toddler’s slap becomes the equivalent of a Bantha stomp to the face.”
“These things make the red shirts on Star Trek look like impenetrable shields of assured immortality or something.”
In the wake of the report’s release, Imperial bureaucrats have acknowledged that there “may be an issue” with the equipment in question.
“While the look of the uniforms was crafted to instill a good and proper fear in subjects of the Empire, stormtrooper armor has come to be far more feared by the people actually putting it on,” admitted one Imperial officer anonymously.
“This isn’t the kind of fear we were looking for.”
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