NEW YORK, NY – With recent revelations of the NFL having pressured the (then) St. Louis Rams into drafting openly homosexual defensive end Michael Sam in 2014, League Commissioner Roger Goodell has promised a full review of the situation and has pledged to do everything within his power as Commissioner to stop enticing NFL teams to draft gay players.
“On behalf of the National Football League and its untold gajillions of fans across the globe, I solemnly pledge to stop enticing teams to draft gay players,” Goodell announced at a press conference at league headquarters. “I pinky swear to never do such a thing again.”
“Furthermore, I also pinky swear to never use the threat of a season of forced Hard Knocks hosting as a means by which to nudge teams toward drafting any particular player, whether gay, straight, or whatever,” Goodell added. “If we ever do anything like this again, it’ll definitely be an under the table, cash only kind of deal.”
“Wait….was that out loud?”
“Anyway, we have learned our lesson and ask for your quick and complete blanking-out of how clearly this reveals our NFL Corporate mission to make the culture as gay as possible.”
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