SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to foster inter-species understanding and help heal the psychological wounds recently inflicted upon a sweet, harmless, happy little seal named Sammy, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has hired legendary pop-psyche train-wreck Dr. Phil to help the cute, cuddly little creature cope with life after narrowly surviving a shark attack of the coast of California.
“We are pleased and privileged to come to the psychological aid of our seafaring little friend in his time of need,” PETA announced via press release in promotion of the ‘Dr. Phil/Sammy the Seal Psyche Summit’, which will be recorded and edited into a new reality television show pilot sure to be gobbled up by some progressive, pop-psyche drenched cable network somewhere. “We can think of nobody more qualified to pretend to understand and help a distraught seal cope with life than America’s favorite psychologist, the incredible Dr. Phil.”
The highly rated (by Nielsen) “doctor” seemed anxious to help and eager for the challenge of diagnosing and treating a seal.
“In order to change your life, you have to make changes in your life!” the pop guru actually said out loud in a 30 second promo for the Dr. Phil & Sammy the Seal show. “That’s a universal truth, whether you’re a garden variety American saturated in mass media programming designed to make you a thoughtless, compliant, State-dependent consumer who gobbles up whatever your favorite corporate-owned talking head tells you to believe or buy, or whether you’re a sweet little seal swimming in the ocean trying to avoid Jaws.”
“I just know I can help this little guy,” added Phil in-between amazingly nonsensical, cornbally lines about how life supposedly works and obstacles are supposedly overcome. “We can do this together, Sammy and me! Together we can help him overcome the fear that’s holding him back!”
“Let’s do this!”
At press time, Sammy the seal has escaped incarceration and fled into shark infested waters in order to avoid any further interaction with Dr. Phil.
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