BEIJING, CHINA – With recent reports confirming that at least 40% of Americans are now obese, Chinese leadership is happy to “just play it cool, wait things out, and let diabetes do its thing”, according to numerous highly placed sources in the Chinese government.
“At the current rate that Americans are growing into a giant gelatinous blob of slovenly, prideful, welfare-swilling, self-propelled guts, why bother toppling the U.S. militarily or economically when, in a few more years, we’ll be able to send a handful of agents over to just cow-tip America to death,” explained a close advisor to Chinese President Xi Jinping. “I mean seriously, just think about it: Alabama, Mississippi, and most of the American South are practically there already, just begging to be cow-tipped out of their misery.”
“And soon we will be happy to oblige!”
To help America waddle faster toward its doom, Chinese military officials are considering reallocating up to 25% of the nation’s military budget toward the rapid expansion of McDonald’s franchises and Food Stamp promotional advertising throughout the Midwest and Western United States.
“If we can just ratchet up the welfare a little bit more and get a few remaining non-obese markets oversaturated with fast food, we might be able to kick off Operation Cow-Tip a year or two sooner than if we just let the Americans roll into a collective diabetic coma on their own.”
“We’re cool either way, though.”
Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.
Thanks!
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.
