WASHINGTON, DC – Citing an “existential threat to the American way of life” posed by ongoing toilet tissue shortages across the country, the Federal Reserve announced plans to print as much currency as needed to do anything that anyone wants, including directly addressing the toilet paper needs of every U.S. citizen.
Spokesbankers for Fed Chairman Jerome Powell pledged to “do whatever it takes” to provide Americans with plenty of wipe-worthy print material, promising to “create more currency than anyone has ever even imagined”. The bold new initiative includes plans to produce rolls of luxurious, two-ply tissue paper featuring three of the most popular Federal Reserve Note denominations.
“Americans will soon have access to rolls of 5, 20, and 100 dollar bills,” explained one highly placed Fed counterfeiter. “They’ll be able to choose whether to wipe with Lincolns, Jacksons, or Franklins. We hope to add Washingtons and Hamiltons into the mix shortly thereafter as part of a special Founding Fathers tribute.”
“Once we get the program fully into gear, we plan to make Mega Packs of 40 rolls available to each and every American on a monthly basis.”
When asked how the mass printing of currency themed toilet paper would preserve the purchasing power of the U.S. dollar, Fed sources seemed confused by the question.
“Preserve purchasing power? We’re not talking about preserving purchasing power here,” one highly placed Fed official explained on condition of anonymity.
“We’re talking about toilet paper.”
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