ATLANTA, GA – With U.S. vaccination rates lagging and vaccine hesitance gaining momentum as people realize that even getting multiple COVID shots won’t do much to prevent them from catching or spreading COVID, an increasingly desperate Resident Biden announced a new federal initiative to “help encourage the vaccine hesitant” by luring them into government run “vaccination vans” with the promise of free government candy. When the candy doesn’t do the trick, government agents will dangle hundred dollar bills from the vans’ windows while cruising slowly through poor neighborhoods.
“We just have to do whatever it takes to help the more stupid among us get with the program,” Biden announced from a news conference held at the CDC’s headquarters in Atlanta while caressing the shoulders of an increasingly uncomfortable young woman who was apparently being forced to stand next to the Resident as he spoke. “And if it takes us cruising door-to-door or just rolling slowly through neighborhoods with lolly pops and Benjamins hanging from the windows, then of course that’s what we’re gonna do! C’mon, man!””
“This is no time for half-measures or letting little things like law and human rights get in the way,” Resident Biden added between sniffs of the squirming young woman’s hair. “If we’re gonna get everyone injected with these experimental gene therapies before they start killing people in massive numbers, we gotta get things in high gear right now! Oh wait…wait…was that out loud?”
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